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"The Super Beings Bureau Saga"

Stories in this series

A series of short stories about the Super Beings Bureau, someplace all super-powered types have to visit at one point or another, and Ann Miller, a long-suffering, perfectly ordinary person who wants to be a super hero in order to help people.

A Hard Day's Work
Magneto returns to the Bureau for the annual renewal of his super-being license.

So You Want to Be a Superheroine
A perfectly normal, well-adjusted woman named Ann applies to be a superheroine.

What They'll Do for Love
Sick of all the hurdles shoved in their paths, Rogue and Gambit demand a marriage license.

Office Gossip
The hard-working folks at the Super Beings Bureau discuss the most recent events at the office.

What's a Super Heroine to Do?
Trying to "help" Ann become popular, the Bureau places her with Generation X.

What a Super Heroine Should Be
The people at the Bureau make one last-ditch attempt to show Ann how to be a super heroine.

Power Hungry
Trapped in the office for nearly 2 weeks during a power outage, the folks at the Bureau -- and the long-suffering super beings who just came to renew their licenses -- must endure hunger, boredom and each other.

Clients of the Bureau visit the dentist. <Shudder>

A Super Heroine's Life
Ann Miller and Ms. Marvelous go on the Susan Smith Show to discuss their respective lifestyles as super heroines.

Ann Miller about Her Latest (blah-ish) Outing
While her frustrated Writer struggles to rewrite/revamp/redo/re-whatever Ann Miller's last appearance, Ann tells the folks at home what's going on.

Ms. Marvelous: The Early Years
(or: "So You Want to Be a Sleek Sex Goddess")
An intimate look at just how Ms. Marvelous got started in the superhero business.

Disclaimer: If it's not mine, it's Marvel's.

The Bureau of Super Beings
Super Hero Division
Mutant Office


"Ann Miller."

"Ann Miller?"

"What? What's wrong with that?"

"Well, really, what kind of a name is 'Ann Miller?"

"It's my name! I see absolutely nothing wrong with it!"

"Well, if you want to be a Super Hero, you have to have the proper name."

"The proper name?"

"Yes. Exotic names, names befitting a Super Hero or Heroine."

"Oh? Such as?"

"Ororo, Remy, Jean."

"Jean? Jean isn't an exotic name!"

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't!"

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't!"

"Look, Miss Miller, I am the expert here, and I say that 'Jean' is an exotic name perfect for a Super Heroine."


"Are you willing to allow me to choose a name for you that reflects your position as a Super Heroine?"



"Very well, then. Let us proceed. Code name?"

"Code name?"

"Yes, code name. The name by which you will be know as during your daring battles against super villains and the like."

"I don't have a code name!"

"Think of one."



"I don't know!"

"Well we can't just allow you to be known as 'Ann'! That Joseph fellow getting away without a code name was bad enough!"


"Take this book. It has a list of every code name in use as to avoid doubles."

"What use is that to me?!"

"So that when you do think of a code name, it wont be one already in use."


"Do you have an accent?"


"Accents are very popular in Super Heroes."

"Well I don't have one!"

"Where do you come from?"

"Quebec, Canada."

"You can speak with a French accent then."

"I'm not French!"

"You don't have to speak French, all you have to do is throw in the occasional French word."

"Forget it!"

"Fine then. Do you have any cute little terms you refer to people as? Such as 'chere', 'sugah', 'pet', 'Ducks'?"


"You should really find one, then."


"Do you have any deep, dark secrets in your past? Those are quite popular too. Especially people who have deep dark secrets and an accent."


"Were you abused as a child?"


"Are you an orphan?"


"Did you witness the horrifying death of friends and/or family?"


"Did you cause the injury or death of friends and/or family when your powers first manifested?"

"No! For God's sake, what is all of that?"

"It will make you a well developed Heroine."


"Do you know any of the following people?"






"No! I don't know any of these people!"


"Are you sure?"

"Fine, already! I saw that man in the building when I first came in, we bumped into each other."

"Ah! That's Magneto, perfect!"

"Perfect? Why?"

"You two were once lovers."

"What! I never met the man! And I'm only eighteen!"


"So forget it! Bloody annoying little twit! If I didn't need my Super Heroing Licence, I'd--"

"Don't you have anything?"


"You are going to make one disgustingly well adjusted, boring Heroine."


"Well, let's go get you a uniform."

Several moments later, in the Super Person's Clothing Store

"What kind of Super Heroine do you wish to be?"

"What kinds are there?"

"There is the battle hardened warrior, with big, clunky boots with lots of buckles. She also wears big, complicated looking belts and harnesses and carries around big guns."

"I don't think so. What else is there?"

"There's the sleek sex goddess."

"Sleek sex goddess!?"

"Very good choice. Here, try these on."

"Stilettos? Are you bloody crazy! And no, I don't want to be one of the 'sleek' -- argh!"

"Are you quite certain? Tight spandex, bright colours, big hair, awesome shoes..."

"Can't I just wear a pair of jeans and a nice shirt?"


"Well I'm not being a 'battle hardened warrior' or a 'sleek sex goddess'!"

"Fine! You can be an unremarkably dressed Super Heroine."

"That's fine for me!"

Later, at the Super Person's Hair Saloon

"How about this?"

"Are you kidding?! My bangs would pass through a door long before I would!"

"How about purple dye?"





"Forget it!"

The Super Person's Attitude Center

"--Vile Fiend!"

"Vile Fiend? Who the hell talks like that?"

"You don't like?"


"Okay, try this: Heeeeeelllllpp Meeeeee!"

"You do know that I'm not here for helpless bystander training, don't you?"

"You haven't liked anything that I have showed you!"

"I don't need any of it! I already have an attitude."

"*sniff!* Not much of one!"

Back to the starting point

"There you go, your first 'Super Mutant Heroine Certificate."


"Just remember, you have to come back next year to renew it."


"Miss?! Miss?! Where are you going!?"




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