Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men
"Half a show, half a show, half a show onward... into
the valley of death rode the X-teams." said Jubilee,
entering stage left. "Well, it's the final episode in
our little skit this evening. So what could be better than
a romantic interlude."
She bowed off stage left and the curtain rose, along with
everyone's hopes as a familiar tune rang out across the room.
"Here comes the bride, here comes the bride," hummed
Joseph and Remy gulped.
Then the music changed to a more cheesy sound and Jubilee
sang along for a little while...
"X... exciting and new
Come aboard, we are waiting for you
Soon you'll be dying unusual death,
Soon you'll be normality-bereft."
"Could we lose the Love Boat theme and just get on with
the wedding?" yelled Angel.
"What, you don't like Aaron Spelling?"
Thrown objects were Jubilee's only answer. The music went
back to the more traditional air.
Jono, with red sunglasses on, adjusted the neck of his too-large
tuxedo and wished he had a throat so that he could swallow
as he waited onstage by the 'altar'.
Paige walked up the aisle of the audience towards the stage;
she looked radiant.
"It's amazing," said Storm to Jean. "It looks
exactly like your wedding dress!"
Jean had a narrow look on her face. "That's because
it IS my wedding dress. I'm going to have a talk with Jubilee
after this about what the phrase, 'Can I borrow one of your
"The wedding of Scott and Jean," said Jubilee,
quietly. "Was ever an event so anticipated in the entire
history of the X-Men? Was there ever an event so promised,
so desired, so close to getting done so many times... but
finally, FINALLY, Jean got that precious ring on her finger."
Jean sniffled and wiped a tear from her eye and admired said
"Now. We would have liked to reproduce the entire ceremony,"
Jubilee continued. "But Jono kicked up such a fuss that
we decided to just cut to the ending. Ready? GO!"
And now the audience discovered just where the rest of
Gen X had been. Confetti showered down from the ceiling. Buckets
and buckets of confetti. A veritable BLIZZARD of confetti.
Nobody could see a thing. When it finally stopped, the stage
was empty. Suddenly Jubilee reappeared, this time without
cue cards or microphone. She looked worried, and looked around
the stage nervously. There was a slight movement from the
back and she yelped and ran.
Too late! Jono stepped out and everyone stared at him. He
was dressed like a Borg warrior from Star Trek.
"Resistance is futile!" He said. "You will
be assimilated! The Phalanx are the supreme beings! Assimilate!
His voice became more mechanical sounding by the end, and
then Mondo came on stage. "Assimilate..." he said.
Jubilee looked around in horror as they closed in. Then two
Daleks rolled on stage. "Assimilate... Assimilate."
"Aaaiiiiieeee!" she yelled. "Heeeeeelp!"
"But there was no help for Jubilee!" Jono stepped
aside and picked up a microphone. "She too would soon
fall victim to the Phalanx, just like most of the X-Men before
her... The Phalanx - a sort of techno-organic creature, wanted
to assimilate mutants, but it had difficulty with mutant DNA,
hence its capturing of the young mutants. And so, Jubilee
was captured and assimilated!" His voice altered.
"Assimilate! Assimilate! Resistance is futile! You will
be assimilated! The Pha-lanx are the su-pe-ri-or be-ings.
"I don't think so!" yelled Jubilee.
"Yeah! RARRRRGH!!!" Franklin pounded onstage, yellow
hair sprouting through every gap in his clothes. He got two
feet and tripped over his trailing wig.
"Ummm... luckily, Sabretooth, Banshee and the White
Queen came to her rescue. Sort of." said Jono, looking
at the fallen boy. "But!" he brightened up. "We
did get Paige, Skin, Monet," his voice faltered.
"Clarice and another boy - later turning out to be a
Phalanx in disguise." They fought the Phalanx from within
whilst Banshee and the others..."
He paused as Artie, miming screeching and flapping the trailing
"wings" of his costume, ran onto the stage. And
tripped over Franklin. Leech then zoomed out after them and
fell over both their prone bodies. Jubilee slapped her hand
against her forehead and mimed "ad-lib" at Jono.
"Oooookay, now I see what Jubilee had to put up with,"
said Jono. "Where was I? Oh yes, assembled some others
to... fight... the..." his voice trailed off as Franklin
and the other two tried to get to their feet and tripped over
"Phalanx... and somehow they won. How exactly is a COMPLETE
mystery to me because they were really a bunch of clowns when
you actually look at it..." he continued. Jubilee was
mouthing 'shut up you idiot these are the people who grade
your essays!' as Franklin stumbled towards her and tripped
head over heels into her lap. Banshee and the White Queen
had tight-lipped expressions. "And anyway I wasn't even
there so I only have your words that you actually managed
to defeat these Phalanx people - and that they actually existed
in the first place."
The rest of GenX wandered onstage in partial costume to watch
as Jono talked himself closer and closer to death.
"How do you think he's managing to talk through both
feet?" Paige asked M.
"No mouth, hence he can fit more in."
"And as a result of this possibly spurious threat, a
new team of mutants was put together. Another younger team,
which could learn and then grow up to become X-Men. Haven't
we done that already? I mean, wasn't that supposed to be The
New Mutant's/X-Force's plan? Do we graduate to them and then
full X-Men status or will we just change our name when we
get old enough and continue on as we always have." Jono
leant against the wall. "And while I'm on the subject,
another thing that's mystified me..."
Jubilee put both hands over her eyes as Jono kept talking.
But she couldn't stop listening. It was kind of like watching
an accident in slow-motion. You just couldn't help being fascinated.
Jono rambled on in this fashion for another half-hour, managing
to insult every single person in the room in some way or other,
and generally leaving havoc in his wake.
"And then I wondered, but wouldn't the heels get in
the way during a fight? Surely survival is more important
than fashion sense. I mean, look at Bobby, he doesn't care
that he looks like a complete dork when going into battle
and he hasn't died all that often... Hmmm... what was I going
to say?" Jonathan wondered.
"You were going to narrate the Onslaught experience
we all just lived through," said Jubilee. "But I
think we've seen enough disaster for now." she gently
relieved him of the microphone. "I would just like to
say now that the opinions expressed just then by Jono were
entirely, completely and irrevocably his, and that I had nothing
to do with them in any way, shape or form." She looked
at her watch. "Having fulfilled my original intention
of making everyone forget the time and getting to stay up
Everyone quickly checked their watches and faces fell as
they realised how late it was.
"I would now like to end this production, how else,
with a song... Please feel free to join in with us on this
GenX - in costume, formed up and began to sing:
"We are the X-Men, my friend...
And we'll keep on fighting till the end
We are the X-Men, we are the X-Men,
No time for losers cos we are the X-Men... and Gen X!"
GenX bowed to raucous applause.
"Thank yew, thank yew!" said Jubilee. "And
tomorrow, we'll be doing the history of the New Mutants!"
She was chased offstage by a group comprised of all of Generation
X, Iceman, Gambit, and most of X-Force.
"Hey," said Jean suddenly as she recovered from
her amusement at watching the younger ones flee. "Who's
going to clean up all this mess?"
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