Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men
Jubilee danced out from behind the curtain and smiled at
the audience. "Ah, my willing victims! How good of you
to wait for me to continue. I trust we're all prepared for
the next round of X-Men history? Everyone's visited the facilities,
gotten new food and drink, nipped outside for a cigarette?
I said outside Gambit, the shows about to start
again so please put that thing out."
Gambit exhaled slowly and stubbed out his cigarette.
"Thank you muchly." Jubilee pulled a few cue cards
out and examined them. "Okey dokey, we've just concluded
the Inferno saga, during which one of the X-Men's worst foes
was revealed, Manhattan was invaded by demons, Madeline Pryor
was killed and the original X-Men and modern X-Men had discovered
that they were alive and hated each other. Yay!"
There was a resounding silence.
Jubilee screwed up her eyes. "Look, I'm tryin' ta put
on a show here. Work with me people. I know
it wasn't much fun, but we've been doing our best to jazz
it up and actually make it interesting, as opposed to merely
showing a lot of people in tights and bad hair beating each
"Who's she referring to?" asked Rogue and Wolverine
"Oh I am so not answering that question." replied
Jubilee. "So like anyway, after the Inferno, all the
modern X-Men went back to the outback and all the old ones..."
"I beg your pardon!" said Jean.
"Sorry, I mean the original team went
back to being X-Factor, losing their ship and eventually Scotts
son. The modern X-Men went back to Australia and sunk into
angst. They had that alien invasion like I mentioned, then
Havok killed Storm by accident and things got worse and worse."
There was now an almost palpable gloom over the audience.
Jubilee shook her head and continued with a bright smile.
"Okay, all doom and gloom aside, there were bright points
in this period. In fact, there was one famous event which
will never be forgotten in the history of the X-Men!"
"Really?" yelled Wolverine. "What event is
Jubilee glared at him. "Duh, like you weren't even there!
I joined the X-Men! That's what was so great, of course. How
could you forget?"
"I had a few other things on my mind."
"Hey, you're the one presenting this history,
"Oh yeah! The Siege Perilous and its affects. Well..."
"I was thinking more of the crucifiction but never mind."
"Shut up. ANYWAY... after that whole Fall of the Mutants
thing Roma had given the X-Men the Siege Perilous, this way-funky
gem that turned into a gate which when you went through would
renew you. And usually give you a makeover at the same time.
First to go through was Rogue."
"Unintentionally!" yelled Rogue. "Ah would
neva have gone through if Ah had had a choice!"
Jubilee scratched her head, "I suppose being dragged
through along with a powerful sentinel in an effort to save
your teammates counts as unintentionally. Though personally
I've always wondered if it was a kind of suicide attempt."
"What?" shouted Rogue. "Whateva made you think
"Well, I personally would have just laid
down and DIED had I been wearing the monstrosity that you
were at the time." said Jubilee. "Presenting, Exhibit
The curtains opened and Monet strutted slowly down the stage
and through the aisle "catwalk" in the audience
to the tunes of "You're So Pretty" by the Cranberries.
Shouts of laughter greeted her appearance.
"And here we have Monet, wearing a stunning little number."
drawled Jubilee, like a beauty contest announcer.
"Wearing her electric blue leotard with a lightning
bolt screaming 'Bold' on the front, red sash
tied saucily, loosely and diagonally around the middle and
the oh-so-chic domino mask, which just announces, 'I'm too
ashamed to let people know who I am in this thing'."
Rogue blushed hotly, "It wasn't mine! It was Carol Danvers!"
"Uh huh," said Jubilee. "Sure, we believe
you. The real costume was, fortunately, destroyed during its
trip, this is a mere reconstruction, and quite frankly, it's
quite revolting enough. Thank you Monet, wasn't she beautiful."
Roars of "more" and mock applause filled the room.
Bobby stood up and applauded. "Mahvellous! Simply mahvellous!"
he cried. "The epitome of haut couture! The style! The
grace! The... MMMPH!" A cushion caught him square in
the chops. Rogue glowered and sat back down again.
"Moving right along," said Jubilee smoothly. "The
Siege Perilous, the renewal it promised proved too seductive
for most of the remaining X-Men, who as previously mentioned,
were wallowing in angst. Havok, Dazzler and
Psylocke made the trip through, leaving behind Wolverine,
who hadn't been around at the time, and Storm, who everyone,
you guessed it, thought was dead (actually she'd been youthified
and turned into a kid, which seems to be an occupational hazard
in this job)."
"Why is everyone looking at me?" asked Joseph.
"Ignore them." said Wolverine.
Jubilee sipped from a glass of water. "Now this part
of the story is heavily narrative, and very angsty and quite
frankly boring so we've tried to jazz it up with some visual
effects. So now GenX is reasonably proud to present: Ch-ch-changes!"
David Copperfield-ish type magic music began to play. Monet
stepped onto the stage, dressed in black leather, and with
a silver mohawk wig attached to her head. Synch stepped out
onto the opposite side of the stage, wearing Havok's helmet
and a cape with stars on. He pointed at Monet.
"Alakazam!" he shouted.
There was a puff of red smoke. When it cleared, the audience
could see Monet, now kneeling, with a short white wig and
a much larger version of her jacket draped over her. She bowed
and exited. Next onto the stage was Paige, wearing the blue
leotard that Monet had been wearing earlier, and with a skunk
streak through her hair. She seemed to be arguing with herself,
shaking her fists at herself and shaking her head furiously.
Skin walked onto the opposite side of the stage wearing a
helmet painted to look like the head of a sentinel. He pointed
"Siege Perilous - Ah la, peanut butter sandwiches!"
There was a puff of green smoke. When it cleared, Paige was
revealed wearing... a green leotard and a yellow t-shirt.
She looked around, and tapped at her head.
"Hello? Hello? Anybody there?" she said. "Woo
hoo! Free! ACK!" A hook with a sign reading "Savage
Land" caught her round the throat and dragged her offstage.
"That's not exactly what Rogue was wearing when she
came through," said Jubilee. "But we're just not
gonna show you that."
She grinned. Rogue blushed.
Next up was Monet, this time in Dazzler costume. She posed
"Siege Perilous - abra cadabra!" yelled Synch.
A puff of yellow smoke followed, leaving Monet standing in
much the same position.
"Hmmm..." she said, looking down. "I seem
to be a mutant singer. Well, how often does that happen?"
There were a few snickers at this as Monet walked offstage.
Skin walked onstage, skin glistening silver. Synch waved
his arms. "Siege Perilous - make up!"
There was a puff of grey smoke and the sound of a bucket
of water being dumped onto someone, followed by a shriek.
The smoke cleared to reveal Skin, shivering and dripping silver.
"Did you have to use ice water?"
he demanded of Synch, who smiled.
Paige returned to the stage, this time wearing a purple flowing
cape. Synch returned to do his thing.
"Siege Perilous - banzai!" he shouted.
There was a puff of purple smoke and a shredding sound. An
asian version of Paige stared out at the audience, now wearing
"You know," murmured Betsy, "that's not entirely
"Why should yours get to be any different from the rest
of us?" murmured Storm in reply.
"And dey complain about me smoking,"
grumbled Gambit, coughing and waving some of the multicoloured
"And finally," said Jubilee. "Havok!"
Synch walked onstage, wearing the Havok-helmet. He stood
and waited. Paige, Skin and Monet walked up to him and smiled
"Siege Perilous - uh oh!" they yelled.
"Uh oh?" said Synch.
There was a puff of black smoke and when it lifted, Synch
was wearing a collar and his boxers.
"Argh!" he yelled, wrapping his arms around himself
and blushing. "Where's my Genosha uniform?"
"Darn." Paige snapped her fingers. "Knew ah
forgot something. Sorry."
Synch fled offstage to hoots from the audience.
"Hey," yelled Jubilee. "Hurry up! You're on
again in a minute! So anyway, after working its many changes
on the X-Men, the siege perilous sent them all over the damn
place, Making this part of the story that much more difficult.
"As previously mentioned, Wolverine was left behind,
so we'll start with that."
Synch reentered stage right and stood with arms out. Paige
and Monet ran behind him and dragged out a cardboard crucifix,
which they affixed to his hands... with duct tape.
"Ahhh! Ahhh! AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" cried Synch. "Here
I am, poor poor Wolverine. Captured by the Reavers and now
crucified! Oh, the pain! Agony! It's awful."
"It wasn't as bad as his acting." growled Logan.
"Oh, oh, my friends - they've all left me behind. Now,
all I can do is... always look on the bright side of life..."
Synch began to whistle. The audience booed. He shrugged and
stopped. "Oh, ah! Help me! Oh, who will save me, who?
Jubilee smiled and strutted to centre stage.
"Fear not! I, Jubilee, shall save you!"
'Wolverine' gasped, "Oh wow. A total babe! What a gorgeous
fantastic wonderful person she is! My hero!"
By now the audience was in hysterics, Wolverine included.
Jubilee stepped proudly forward, "Behold, you are free!"
She ripped the duct tape from one hand.
"YEARGH!" yelled Synch in real pain. "Not
"Don't be such a baby," growled Jubilee, ripping
the other piece of duct tape off.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! My hands!" Synch blew on his
Jubilee snorted, "And so, Wolverine was freed and the
X-Men gained a new recruit, the X-Man named... JUBILEE!"
She paused for applause. Not a sausage.
"Philistines," she huffed. "Anyway, after
this we beat the crap out of the Reavers and headed off for
Madripoor, where we encountered the all-new all-different
Paige Asian-style sauntered onstage and blew kisses at the
"Of course, she was working for the bad guys."
Paige, with a happy smile drew back her fist and took aim
"Hey hey hey! Him! You're after him! Not me!" Jubes
danced out of the way.
Synch took one look at the expression on Paige's face and
jumped off the stage. "Oh no you don't! Keep away from
me!" He ran down the aisle.
"Get back here!" Paige jumped off the stage and
chased after him. "Come back! You can't get away!"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!" Synch sprinted
around the room, Paige in hot pursuit. "Jean! Scott!
Someone, anyone! Ack!"
Paige jumped him from behind, "Ha! You are no match
for... say it with me people!"
"MY PSYCHIC KNIFE, THE FOCUSED TOTALITY OF MY PSYCHIC
POWERS!" yelled the entire audience.
"I'm don't say it all that much,"
"OH YES YOU DO!"
Jubilee grinned and gave the thumbs up, "Anyway, eventually
Psylocke saw the light and joined up with us again. Then we
headed back to the mansion, where we would meet up with a
variety of others, including newbie Gambit!"
Paige and Synch took off and Monet and Skin walked on to
the stage from opposite directions. Jubilee turned the crucifix
around, revealing a cheap vase stuck to it. M reached out
for the vase at the same time as Gambit.
They stared at each other.
Monet snarled. "I saw it first!"
"No I saw it first!"
"Listen, if anyone steals it it's going to be ME."
"ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!" a huge roar sounded throughout
the room. Monet and Skin jumped back to back.
"What the heck was that?" they said in unison.
"I AM THE SHADOW KING!" howled a ghostly voice.
The lights darkened and a terrible shadowy figure appeared
on the back wall.
'Storm' and 'Gambit' looked at each other, "Let's get
out of here!" they yelled in unison and dashed off. The
lights came back on, to reveal Synch at the back of the room
holding a torch whilst Paige made a scary figure with her
"Hey, do deformed rabbit, it's my favourite!" yelled
Bobby. They blushed and took off.
"And so by and large, through this way and that way,
they and the original X-Men came back to the mansion where
X-Force were already based, to chill out and get back together."
said Jubilee. "Next was the Extinction Agenda, when..."
"Hey wait a minute," objected Sean. "What's
this 'through this way and that way' business. How did everyone
Jubilee looked momentarily panicked, then she consulted her
watch. "My goodness look at the time, it's time for a
break, we'll be back in ten for the Extinction Agenda. Don't
be late." she fled.
Continued in Chapter
Next Part: #9 The Extinction Agenda,
the Shiar Battles and the Savage Land.
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