Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends," Jubilee
proclaimed as she stepped through the curtain. "Sorry
about the abrupt ending there last time folks, it won't happen
again." She paused, "Will it Synch?"
A low moan was her only answer. The audience giggled.
"Anyway, when we last left our intrepid heroes."
Generation X, in various costumes, jumped out from behind
the curtains. "Ta daaaa!"
"Were about to tackle the fall of the mutants."
The GenX team drooped and withered, "AWWWWWW!!!!"
they all chorused.
"Do we havta?" asked Paige, currently dressed as
Rogue. "That one really sucks."
"Okay, how bout we skip to the Inferno then?" asked
Multiple groans from the cast.
"That was even worse." bitched Synch, as Colossus.
"I went through a real bad patch during that one."
"The time spent in Australia?"
There was even louder complaining from the 'X-Men.'
Jubilee put her hands on her hips. "Look. Noone said
life as an X-Man was easy."
Mass grumbling and shuffling of feet.
Jubilee sighed, "Trip to save the Shi'ar?"
"Noooooooo!!!" howled Skin, currently wearing one
of Gambits trenchcoats. "That was icky!"
"Icky?" asked Gambit in the audience. "Icky?!"
"The Shadow King saga then. Final offer."
"Bleaaah," replied GenX.
"Get over it Gambit." advised Bobby.
"Dat's alright for you to say. You didn't
jus' use de word 'icky'."
Jubilee threw up her hands. "Okay, FINE then. Since
we can't decide, we'll do it ALL anyway. Ahem. The Fall of
GenX grumbled and walked slowly offstage. Jubilee waited
impatiently as some of them trickled back onstage, wearing
the correct costumes.
"The Fall of the Mutants was caused by a totally evil
dude, who had taken over the body of Forge's mentor, whose
name has temporarily slipped my mind so we'll call him Fred.
"Hra! Hra! Hneee! Wooooooargh!" roared Mondo. "And
now I will destroy you all!"
"Shaman," muttered Storm. "His name was Shaman,
that's not so hard to remember is it?"
"We will defeat you, Shaman." said
M pointedly, as Storm, glaring out into the audience. "All
of us will willingly... ARGH!"
A flashbulb exploded in front of her eyes and she staggered
"Smile!" chirped Leech, as he aimed his camera
at her again.
"Oh yeah, this particular section of history is well
documented cos there was this newshound around, taking photos
and filming the whole thing." Jubilee smiled and made
a peace sign as Leech aimed the camera at her. She blinked
in the aftermath of the flash, and carried on. "Anyways...
the X-Men, the newshound, oh, and Madeline Pryor, Jeanie being
somewhat dead during this part of the history, were trying
to stop the evil dude. Problem was, Storm had no powers, on
account of Forge making a gun that could take away the powers
of a mutant. The government dudes were supposed to use it
on Rogue, but since we all know that those losers couldn't
hit the broad side of a barn, they hit Storm instead. Way
to go Uncle Sam, nice to know our tax dollars are being put
to good use."
The audience roared with laughter.
"Amen!" yelled Bobby.
"Ain't that the truth!" agreed Logan. "Always
thought those bunch were more of a risk to themselves than
"Anyway," Jubilee continued, "Storm had been
leading the team anyway, without her powers." Music started
up in the background, the rest of GenX moved to the back of
the stage and M posed, 'vogue'-style as the song "I'm
Too Sexy" played.
"I'm, too sexy for my powers, too sexy for my powers,
can go without em for hours." chanted M. "And I'm,
too sexy for the government, too sexy for the government...
we couldn't think of anything that rhymed with government..."*
[* Actually, I did think of something that rhymed with
government finally, but I couldn't think of a way to fit "breath
mint" into the song. - Jae :-)]
The audience laughed hysterically as GenX all began posing
"She's an X-Man, you know what I mean, And she does
her little thing for the human race. Oh the human race, yeah
the human race, And she shakes her funky powers for the human
"But eventually, Storm decided that it was time to go
get em back."
M, as Storm, walked offstage. Moments later there was a huge
shriek. "FORGE!!! I WANT MY POWERS BACK!!!! What is THAT???!!!
"Unfortunately," grinned Jubilee. "She walked
in at a real bad moment, and wound up getting shanghaied into
an alternate earth with Forge. Trays romantique, nessy pas?"
"But she got back, with powers, just in
time to join the X-Men in beating up the guy who did the whole
thing. The... something-or-other... Alternator, Otherworlder,
Percolator... something like that. They all sound the same
to me. Evil dude."
M floated down from the sky, still wearing Storms leather
"We know she's s'posed to be dressed in a simple shift
type thing," Jubilee mentioned. "But it looked kind
of boring, and M has this thing for leather."
"Oooooh, okaaaaaay." said the audience.
"What's wrong with having a thing for leather?"
asked the White Queen, Storm and Rogue. The people around
"Whoa, there's more information than I really needed,"
said Jubilee. "So, anyway, battle... Okay, picture if
you will a city, in which a battle between ultimate good and
evil is shaping up. On the bad side we have... the Evil Dude
in Shaman's body."
Mondo stepped forward and growled, shaking his fists at the
"And on the good side we have - the X-Men! Storm, Rogue,
Wolverine, Havoc, Psylocke, Dazzler, Longshot, Colossus, Madeline
Pryor, Forge, and the reporter guy, whose name has been lost
in the winds of time. Unfortunately, since we don't have that
many people ourselves, we present a selection of the above
M stood forward as Storm. Behind her posed Husk as Rogue
(she'd only husked the hair this time), Synch as Forge (with
tin foil wrapped around one leg), Skin as Havoc (with requisite
silly head thing), Chamber as Longshot (with a mop on his
head), Artie (projecting claw images) and Leech (with a camera).
Jubilee rang a bell. "Gentlemen, and ladies, when I
ring this bell again, come out of your corners fighting!"
Mondo roared and ran forward and 'Rogue' ran forward to meet
him. Paige was now in a metal form with skunk-streaked hair.
Mondo reached her and grabbed her shoulders. She broke the
hold and threw him over her shoulder. Mondo kicked her off
her feet, picked her up and spun around, holding her overhead.
He was about to throw her down when 'Storm' danced close.
Paige reached out and slapped her outstretched hand just as
Mondo let go of her. She landed behind him on the stage and
lay still. Mondo turned to face M, who ran away from him,
into the stage wall, bounced off it and clotheslined him.
Then she leapt into the air and came down elbow first into
his gut. The audience roared as she stood up and triumphantly
shook her hands overhead, walking up and down the stage. Behind
her, Mondo stood. He grabbed her by the back of the jacket,
pulled her back and then ran her off the stage. The audience
ducked, expecting her to come crashing down among them. When
the law of gravity failed to provide them with this they looked
up to where M was hovering in midair. She grinned, waved and
flew over to slap the hands of 'Forge' (Synch) and 'Havoc'
Skin and Synch moved forward slowly, circling Mondo, who
roared at them. Synch waited for Mondo's back to be turned
to him, then slapped the hands of 'Longshot' (Jonathan), 'Wolverine'
(Artie) and the reporter (Leech). Synch then unwrapped the
tinfoil from his leg and held it up like a shield. Leech aimed
his camera at the tinfoil, whilst Artie crawled behind Mondo.
Leech took a picture, and the camera flash was 'reflected'
off the tinfoil into Mondo's eyes. He pretended to have been
blinded by this and reeled. Just then Jonathan and Skin charged
him, smashing into him and knocking him backwards over 'Wolverine'.
Then the whole team piled on top of him, including the recovered
'Rogue' and 'Storm'.
"And the winnah - the X-Men!!!!" yelled Jubilee,
moving forward and holding M's hand up. "But WAIT! What's
Mondo surged to his feet, spilling 'X-Men' left and right.
"It turns out that this beastie is harder to stop than
everyone thought. Bring on Roma..." Jubilee looked around.
"Oh Roma... oh, wait, that's me. Heh." she faked
"Yep, it turns out that to totally get rid of the evil
guy, the X-Men must give up their essences and, well, die.
Sorta. So, being heros and it being in the job description
and all, they do." The 'X-Men' link hands around Mondo
and they all sink to their knees. Leech sadly took one last
picture and headed offstage.
"But wait! There's more! Turns out we can't keep him
locked up anyway, so Roma brings them back." said Jubilee.
The 'X-Men' stood up and looked around.
"But now everyone thinks they're dead, which kind of
makes it hard to get your mail delivered, so they decide that
it's time for an all-new all-different X-Men. And, in an astonishing
break from the usual tradition of past changes, which is of
course, new costumes." Jubilee grinned. "They decide
that they could all do with a nice holiday and change of view,
so this calls for a headquarters shift, and where could be
better than to move to New Zealand! Unfortunately they kind
of missed and landed in Australia. Darn.*"
[* Readers may note that yours truly is from New Zealand
and hence totally biased. Apologies to any Ockers reading
this. You'd've done the same if it was the other way around
I'm sure. :-) - Jae.]
The 'X-Men' all donned large hats with corks dangling from
the brims and formed up in a line. The music began again:
"We're, too sexy for Manchester, too sexy for Manchester,
LA and Westchester!
And we're, too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan, New York
We're the X-Men, you know what I mean,
And we do our little thing for the human race.
Oh the human race, yeah the human race,
And we do our little bit for the human race!
"And we're, too sexy for this song."
The music came to an abrupt end and the 'X-Men' walked offstage,
heads held high.
"Break time again," said Jubilee. "Smoke em
if ya got em, next part - the X-Men down under in Godzone.
Continued in Chapter
Well, I wanted to cover the Fall of the
Mutants and the Inferno in this episode. Boy was I high! Next
issue: the Inferno.
Oh yeah, and a quick thank you and apology to all the wonderful,
sweet, and most of all patient people who've been wondering
when the next part will be out. Hope this makes up for the
huge delay, and the next part will hopefully not take as long
to get written. Later all!
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