Generation X Presents:
A Short (and Somewhat Inaccurate) History of the X-Men
"Welcome back!" Jubilee said, walking onstage.
She peered out at the audience. "Wow, no casualties yet.
The audience is still whole, here, and most importantly -
awake! You guys must be real masochists. Then again, that's
probably why you're in this biz instead of something sensible,
like, say, accounting."
"BLEAGH!" yelled Bobby. "I'd rather die!"
"I think you did a time or two Bobby," pointed
out Jubilee. "Ah, but enough cheerful banter. In this
part of the story we move on to the Inferno. And no, I'm not
referring to the weather in the Australian desert."
"Y'aren't far off though," noted Rogue. "It
was scorching there! Ah spent all mah time in shorts and bikinis."
In perfect synchronisation Gambit and Joseph slapped their
foreheads and cried out, "D'oh!"
"Thanks for stealing the scene Rogue," said Jubilee.
"And we haven't even started yet! Sheesh! Well, to bring
you up to speed, when last seen, the X-Men were all dead.
Dead! Dead! Dead! Deceased! Passed-on! They were ex-X-Men!"
"Two more X's and they could have been an Australian
beer." added Jubilee. "Which is a strange coincidence,
since that's where they all headed next. Australia. Down Under."
"Down under what?" asked Joseph.
"I suppose someone had to ask." Jubilee sighed.
"Anyway, before the X-Men could set up
shop, they first had to move a bunch of cyberhead free-loaders
out of the place, namely the Reavers. This was done without
much ado, but unfortunately it was one of those things which
would come back to haunt our faithful heros. Not that this
is anything new. It seems the X-Men can't even do the dishes
without it coming back to haunt them.
Synch staggered on stage, wearing a pot on his head, a pot
lid as a shield, knives, forks and spoons tucked into his
belt and holding a dish like a discus.
"Revenge!" he croaked. "Revenge for all the
plates Colossus broke, for all the bent forks from people
practicing telekinesis at the dinner table... for all the
days between being cleaned... I demand REVENGE!"
"Okay, so we're exagerating in this instance."
said Jubilee, as Synch staggered offstage. "But not by
"So anyway, this marked a new time for the X-Men. Finally,
they could take a break."
The 'X-Men' (Skin as Wolverine, Jono as Havok, Paige as Rogue,
M as Storm and Mondo as Colossus) tromped onto the stage carrying
elaborate coloured cocktails with umbrellas in them, deckchairs,
sunglasses and books.
"For about five minutes," Jubilee added.
The 'X-Men' groaned.
"Hey come on, saving the world is a full-time job. Now
let's see, what disasters do we have in store for a good little
The 'X-Men' gulped their drinks, and flicked through the
books while Jubilee consulted her cue cards. "Ah HA!"
she pronounced. "Firstly we get the alien invasion of
"What?" said Sean. "I never heard about that?"
"Not many people did," said Logan. "Nice guys
for invaders, no good at poker though."
"Oh come on Jubes," said Paige. "That was
practically a non-event. Most people slept through it."
"Oh, alright. Moving along... actually there were a
lot of little things happening during this time. Nothing momentous."
The 'X-Men' grinned and started setting out their deck chairs
"Except..." Jubilee grinned evilly, "for the
first encounter with, you guessed it, something which would
come back to haunt them later - the Island Nation of Genosha!"
"AAAAAAAAHHHH!" complained the 'X-Men'.
"Poopie." Paige pouted. "This is where Ah
go schizo, right?"
"Bada bing bada boom!" said Jubilee. "It all
started..." she waited for the others to move the deck
chairs off the stage, "a long long time ago, when a plane
in the Aussie outback went down in a botched kidnap attempt
by the Genoshans. And who was the first one on the scene but
Rogue, displaying her supersonic speeds for the last time
in X-Men history."
"Rogue can fly at supersonic speeds?" asked Joseph
"Well, practically." said Jubilee. "Certainly
she can fly really really fast."
"Oh yeah," said Rogue. "I forgot all about
"Me too," said Storm. "I wonder why you don't
use it anymore?"
"So, Rogue arrived on the scene." Jubilee continued.
Paige as Rogue zoomed onto the stage and looked around. "Got
the people - items, one nurse and one pilot, to safety. The
There was a pause, Paige looked at Jubilee with an expression
that clearly said, 'you took me away from my tan for this'?
"Oh wait!" said Jubilee, "There's more on
the other side!" she turned over her cue cards.
"At the hospital, the nurse, who turned out to be a
native of Genosha, and utterly coincidentally a
mutant and engaged to the Gengineers son, was kidnapped. Rogue
and Wolverine unfortunately got in the way of the teleportation
thingy, and got grabbed too, sent to Genosha, and stripped
of their powers, not to mention their clothes. Kinky. Also
captured at this time was Madeline Pryor, who I believe had
been flying said plane when it was blown up."
Skin as Wolverine walked onto the stage, and stood next to
Paige. The rest of the team in combat gear surrounded them.
"Whilst incarcerated, Rogue handed over the reins to
her buried absorbed personality, Carol Danvers."
Paige as Rogue dropped her head, then raised it again with
an evil grin on her face.
"HAAAAAAAI-YA!" she shouted, and launched into
a karate kicking attack. GenX as one clutched their sides.
"OW! AH! ARRRRRHHHHHH!!!!" they shouted as one,
and then collapsed.
"And that display of truly bad acting wins todays Kevin
Costner cup," said Jubilee, looking down at M, who had
landed at her feet.
"Rogue/Carol and Wolverine escaped and generally made
a nuisance of themselves, rescuing the nurse in the process.
Maddie spent her time weirding out the Gengineer with strange
occurences, whilst in the meantime the rest of the X-Men had
"Eventually Rogue and Wolvy managed to get their powers
back, convince the Gengineers son that all was not well in
the state of Genosha, rescue Maddie and the other girl, and
meet up with their teammates."
"Remind me again why exactly we're here when we could
have been at home drinking tequilas?" asked M as Storm.
"We're here to rescue our teammates Storm," said
Skin as Havok.
"They seem to be doing just fine without us." pointed
"Yeah, but look at this place."
The 'X-Men' elaborately looked around. "Looks fine to
me," objected Mondo. "Looks just like Genosha Island
"Exactly," said 'Havok'. "The whole place
is still standing. No random property damage at all."
The 'X-Men' all looked round and oohed and aahed. Mondo pulled
out a camera and began taking pictures.
"Tch tch, Logan must be getting old," said 'Storm'.
There was a 'snickt' sound from the audience.
"Well, it's up to us to rescue our friends and leave
the city in ruins!" said Mondo, who was dressed, for
some strange reason, in a blue costume with a gold star on
Jean Grey felt the entire audience, as one, think, *why is
he cast as Dazzler?*.
"Don't you feel the vibes telling you so?" Mondo
said to Skin.
*Oh.* thought the entire audience.
"Anyway," said Jubilee, reclaiming the attention,
"the X-Men snuck in and began their programme of random
"Hey," said Betsy. "We didn't do that
much damage... the first time." Evil grins were
had all round.
"Oh really?" said Jubilee. "We now present
exhibit A. Once the X-Men were all reunited and had had a
little chat with the Gengineer and so on, reunited the mutant
nurse and her true love Philip, the Gengineers son, Havok,
a man not known for his subtlety, blew up the
main monument tower in Genosha in order to make a point. You'd
think they'd be able to take a hint wouldn't you? But noooooooo.
But more on that later, the X-Men were able to head back to
their HQ, there to face an even greater threat." GenX
crawled off the stage and there was a pause. Then Paige stepped
out to the front. She had red hair and green eyes this time
round, and was wearing a flight suit. She also had a very
evil smile on her face. She patted her hair.
"Unbeknownst to the rest of the team, Madeline had been
having a very bad time lately. The attempts on her life, the
stealing of her son, and her temporary death and exile to
Australia were not things guaranteed to make her happy. Then
she made a worse discovery - it seemed that X-Factor were
back from space and Jean Grey was back from the dead and they
were all back together again, including Maddie's husband Scott
Summers. Madeline decided it was time to register a complaint
about the whole thing. So instead of getting a really good
divorce lawyer and suing Scott for everything he had like
any sensible person she did a deal with the devil. Literally."
Paige as Madeline smiled widely and reached up and husked
away her skin and costume. Her new form had much wilder hair
and more risque clothes. She was now wearing a black leotard.
"Maddie's actual Goblin Queen costume was much more
risque than this," Jubilee said. "But someone mentioned
the words Sam, older brother and shotgun
to me, so we took a few liberties. I mean, compared to what
we're doing to the history - who cares if the costume is a
Sam nodded grimly in the audience. The others concealed smiles.
"Maddie decided, as you do, that what she really wanted
was to kill Jean Grey and sacrifice her own son Nathan, in
order to create hell on earth. Well heck, you know what they
say about a woman scorned." said Jubilee. "And so
we wound up with the demon invasion of earth. Fortunately
it was concentrated in Manhattan so very few people noticed."
Snorts of laughter from the audience.
"This was the Inferno," Jubilee's voice became
deeper, more menacing. "A time of madness. When X-Man
fought X-Man and X-Factor fought all of them. When the heros
became demons. This period marked a momentous event - all
four of the then X-teams were involved in one way or another.
For the New Mutants, it was a fight for the life and soul
of their teammate Illyana, the Darkchilde. This fight came
out even, Illyana lived in a new incarnation - as the child
she should have been, who would later..." Jubilee's voice
choked to a halt. She shook her head and continued. "It
also marked their own trial by fire, as they met new teammates
and, having witnessed their betrayal by their then headmaster,
decided to move on alone. Excalibur too were involved, when
teammate Meggan was turned into a demon. But the main story
is that of what happened when X-Factor, who had disappeared
and been assumed dead, met the X-Men, who had also disappeared
and been assumed dead." She wiped her eyes. "Boy,
no wonder we can't get life insurance!"
Laughter. Cries of "Or health insurance!" and "Or
ANYTHING insurance!" Cheered, Jubilee moved on.
"So anyway, the demon reign had this really weird effect
on everyone. It fried their hair and made their costumes rip."
GenX as the X-Men and X-Factor walked onstage. Paige moved
to one side to make room for Jono as Havok, who was wearing
his standard trenchcoat and scarf... and shorts. All in black.
"Again, the actual outfit was much more, er, brief than
this, but Jono objected, violently, to historical accuracy.
Something I hope will be noted in his end of term marks. Oh,
and Banshee, we're sorry about the pool table."
Banshee buried his head in his hands.
Paige linked an arm through Jono's and rubbed her head against
*What are you doing gel?*
*Just getting into the part.* Paige responded sweetly. Jono
looked at her nervously, *must be the red hair*.
The rest of Gen X, in a variety of roles, lined up on opposite
sides of the room.
M was still dressed as Storm, now wearing a lot of leather
and with her hair tied up into a high tail, led the 'X-Men'.
Skin next to her was Wolverine. Behind them danced Leech and
Artie in miniature Dazzler and Longshot costumes, a solitary
torch light shining on them.
Opposite this group was 'X-Factor', with Synch as Scott and
Mondo as Iceman. Penance stood off to one side, evidently
playing the role of Jean Grey (it was hard to tell, most of
her costumes didn't really last very long, and underneath
she was dressed as normal.
"The two X-groups faced each other, each nervous and
tense. Each totally convinced that the other group were fakes
created by the demon reign. They watched."
The two 'X-groups' stared at each other... tension apparant.
Skin flexed his 'claws' and strained forward.
Synch readjusted his 'visor'.
Mondo leant so far forward he fell over.
"Yes! I was waiting for that to someone!" said
"WILL YOU GET ON WITH IT!!!!!" yelled Bobby from
the audience, "the tension is KILLING ME!"
"and watched..." said Jubilee.
"Don't encourage her," snapped Emma.
Silence. Jubilee watched the audience. The audience watched
her. Shrugging, she smiled and said, "and then they fought."
Both 'X-groups' collapsed, exhausted from the battle of wills.
Jubilee sighed. "Oh well. We never did get the fight
choreographed correctly anyway."
"I still think the mud was wrong," said M.
"Ssh." said Jubes. "The important bit was
that Maddie Pryor, yes, remember her? Looked down on the fight
and decided that she didn't like the way it was going. Added
to which her baby called out to Jean Grey."
"Hey, honey!" yelled Jono.
There was a pause.
"I was referring to the baby baby dummy,"
"Oh sorry." said Jono. "Where is the little
"Catch!" Synch chucked a small blanket wrapped
object over. Jono caught it and handed it casually to Paige,
who was shaking her head.
"Remind me to never ask you guys to babysit," she
"Gimmee." Paige held the 'baby' gently. "Now
where were we?"
"Little Nathan called out to Jean Grey," prompted
'Madeline Pryor' nodded and swiftly moved the 'baby'.
"Ma-ma." it said mechanically.
There was an overwhelming silence as everyone fought the
urge to laugh or look at Cable, whose face was completely,
carefully blank. Sam looked at his old teacher, Cable stared
impassively at him, then opened his mouth.
"It's... NOT... funny."
The entire audience (and the cast) broke down in tears and
laughter. Scott and Jean howled loudest of all, with Wolverine
and Sam coming a close second.
The show came crashing to a halt as chaos reigned.
Continued in Chapter
where the Inferno is concluded, and
the history goes on.
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