Disclaimer: Not mine, Marvel's.
And for once, I do not envy them a bit.
Continuity: Between UXM #348 and #349.
Warning:This story contains sex. In a cave.
"One more t'ing chere. Wit' your powers negated, it
means dis may be our night. Our first. Our last."
The two star crossed lovers held each other tenderly for
long, precious moments, just savouring the chance to be close
to each other. A brief interlude of peace and love, during
their terrifying ordeal and cruel captivity. And then -
"Remy - are you saying you wanna have sex in a cave?"
"Oh good. Cos for a moment there I -"
Don't t'ink of it as a cave, chere... T'ink of it as a -
"So - you do want to have sex in a cave-"
" - Love Grotto? Remy - Ah know this is a great opportunity
and all, what with mah powers being negated, but ah - ah was
kinda hoping that mah first time would be a bit - y'know -
"It will be special mon petite pomme de
"Um... what does that mean?"
"My little potato head! Don' you t'ink dat's sweet?"
"Anyway, it will be special!"
"Yeah." said a third voice from the other side
of the cave. "It's not every virgin gets an audience.
Some people really get off on that."
"Ignore her chere. Dey can't see anyt'ing from all dat
way over dere."
"I'm only six feet away."
"Shut up Skippy."
"God, I hope she's not a screamer."
"Look chere, I t'ought you loved me! Dis will prove
how much -- love -- we have for each other!"
"You really think that would prove our love? Havin'
sex in a cave -"
"Love Grotto, chere -"
Some Time Later...
"Remy, how did you get your shirt off over the chains?"
"Oh. I didn't know the Shi'ar had velcro..."
"Dey aliens chere. Dey have everyt'ing."
Some Time Later...
"Chere! Mon dieu! You have such - such - big breasts!"
"Aw Remy stop it! Yah gonna make me blush."
"Yeah Remy, stop it! You're gonna make me sick."
"But he's right, they are pretty big breasts
Spat. Nice shape too. Excellent breasts, all in all. I'd have
to give them a 10 out of 10."
"Why, thank you! That's just the sweetest thang... don't
you think that's just the sweetest thang Remy?"
"You stop lookin' at my girlfriend's breasts!"
"You stop having sex in a cave!"
"It's okay Remy! They can't see anythin' from over there,
"... ah. Oui. Dat's right chere, dey can't..."
Some Time Later...
"Don' worry chere! Dat's a gooooood pain! Dat means
you not a virgin anymore! You a woman now, congratulations!"
"Actually Remy, Ah just bumped my elbow on a rock."
"That wasn't a rock. That was me. Hi, I'm Landscape."
"Brett! Where the hell have you been?"
"Well I got lost, this is a big cave -"
"-Love Grotto -"
" - and you know how these evil super villains are about
putting up signs."
"Uh huh. So how are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine, you?"
"Well the in house show is great -"
"Do you mind shutting up? Some of us are trying to have
"No kidding? In a cave?"
"IT'S A FUCKING LOVE GROTTO, ALL RIGHT??"
"Remy, what happened to your accent?"
"Nothing! I mean.... not'ing..."
"You said "th"."
"I heard you Remy."
"I heard you too."
"Yeah, so did I."
"And I did too."
"Who was dat last person?"
"Um... that would be me. Hello there Remy. Rogue. Nice
to see you again."
"PROFESSOR?!!! What you doing here?"
"Just ... you know ... sitting. I had to go somewhere
after Onslaught, and this cave - sorry, Love Grotto - seemed
nice and peaceful. But please, don't mind me. Keep ... proving
your love to each other."
"...ain't you gonna turn around Prof?"
"...do I have to?"
"Do you have any idea how long it's been since I had
sex? This is the closest I've got in years... Actually, Rogue,
since you're clearly not adverse to doing it in a cave -"
"It's a Love Grotto!! I don't wanna have t'come over
"Oh, please do..."
"Cave. Cave. Cave. Cave. Cave."
Shhh ... BOOM!!
"Remy ... did you just blow up the professah?!"
"But it looked like you just -"
"Spontaneous combustion chere. Weird, huh? Alas, poor
Xavier, I knew him (but not in any sexual kinda way. D'accord?)
Now ... where were we...?"
It had to be done. You know they deserved
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