And yea, God DID look really good in spandex, better
even than Olivia Newton-John.
The Book Of X-Men I:xx
(The Even Newer Testament)
GOD and an Atheist
God enjoyed the tour of the mansion immensely. He'd always
liked being the centre of attention (that's why he'd created,
y'know, the universe and everything -- so it could revolve
around him), but somehow being worshipped from a distance
wasn't quite as much fun as having a flock of anxious and
awestruck mutants trailing behind him everywhere he went.
Sam in particular, followed God around like a faithful little
"Ah'm your biggest fan! Ah've got all your
There were, of course, improvements to be made, and so God
snapped his fingers and made them. The Danger Room became
a lot more dangerous. The wallpaper in the living room became
a great deal more attractive (or so thought everyone but
Jean, who'd chosen it). There were suddenly a lot more
bathrooms, and the leftover gumbo in the fridge, which Hank
had insisted not be moved on the grounds that it might eventually
develop intelligence, was transported to the other side of
he galaxy where it would one day evolve into a star spanning
race of diplomats who would bring peace to the entire galaxy.
Other 'improvements', such as the sudden addition of sweaters
to everyone's wardrobe, were less well received, but no one
"And this is the medlab," Rogue said, almost keeping
her voice free of nervous tremor and wondering desperately
why she was elected tour guide when Storm was right
there and could've done it just as well, if not better.
"This right here. But ya can't go in there, 'cause
the doc says--"
"I'M GOD. I CAN GO WHEREVER I WANT TO."
"Well, y-yeah, o'course ya can, an' no one's gonna tell
you different, but--"
"EXCUSE ME." God pushed past Rogue
-- not really much of an effort, since she was quick to leap
out of his way -- and blasted the door down into the medlab.
There was a person on a bed over to the left side, and God,
being a curious sort, and having nothing better to do (if
you don't count, like, running the universe and everything)
went over to investigate.
Pete Wisdom, battling some dreaded unknown illness that served
no purpose except to have him bed-bound for this scene, opened
his eyes groggily and looked up into ... the face of
"Who the bloody hell're you?" Not the impact God
had been going for.
He blinked (yes, God has eyelids), and stared. All
things considered, God was used to being recognised fairly
quickly. I mean, when it comes right down to it, not
many people look like God. A few look like Ghandi,
and some like Mother Theresa -- and one or two are the spittin'
image of Winona Ryder -- but no one looks like God
except for God. And occasionally the Holy Spirit when
God is sleeping late, but that's only with signed permission
and no company benefits.
Of course, God (being an honest sort) told him the
truth. "I'M GOD."
"I'm an atheist." said Pete. "I don't believe
"I'M GOD." said God. "I DON'T BELIEVE
"Yeah, well--" Pete started.
"Goddess!" Storm exclaimed. "What have you
"I REALLY DO PREFER JUST TO USE GOD, ACTUALLY."
God said. "I MEAN, *YES*, EQUAL RIGHTS, *YES*,
WOMEN'S LIB, BUT A DEITY JUST GETS USED A CERTAIN ... FORM
OF..." He trailed off in the face of Storm's glare.
(She'd been a goddess herself once. She know how it was
done). God sighed. "NEVER MIND."
"Goddess." Storm said sternly. "If you wish
to be an X-man then there are certain standards to be upheld.
And it does not befit an X-man to negate the existence of
a teammate just because of ... theological differences. Please
bring him back at once."
"Then again Ororo," Kurt offered, "This is
God, after all. If He wants to make Pete Wisdom vanish, who
are we to--"
"Kidding, I was kidding -- No really, Katzchen, I was..."
Some time and several miracles later...
"Fine, whatever, I believe in you." Pete admitted
finally. "I still don't bloody like you, though."
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND." God said, genuinely
bewildered (insofar as one who knows everything can be
bewildered). "WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? I'M PERFECT.
NO, HONESTLY, HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE THIS FACE?"
God pushed 'this face' into Pete's less perfect one. The
face of God glowed like a sun in the confines of medlab.
It was a face which would convert any sinner short of the
Devil himself. It was a face to launch a thousand angels.
It was a face -- well, y'know. It was a face. And it belonged
to God. Cool, huh?
"Yer breath stinks." Pete said. "And yer nose
is too big. Now is there any chance of my gettin' some kip
here, or what?"
~end part two
~on to part three
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