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"The Adventures of GOD"

The Adventures of GOD

Chapter 1: GOD joins the X-Men
Chapter 2: GOD and an atheist
Chapter 3: GOD plays poker

This story is still in progress.

And yea, God DID look really good in spandex, better even than Olivia Newton-John.

The Book Of X-Men I:xx
(The Even Newer Testament)

God enjoyed the tour of the mansion immensely. He'd always liked being the centre of attention (that's why he'd created, y'know, the universe and everything -- so it could revolve around him), but somehow being worshipped from a distance wasn't quite as much fun as having a flock of anxious and awestruck mutants trailing behind him everywhere he went.

Sam in particular, followed God around like a faithful little puppy.

"Ah'm your biggest fan!  Ah've got all your books!"

There were, of course, improvements to be made, and so God snapped his fingers and made them. The Danger Room became a lot more dangerous. The wallpaper in the living room became a great deal more attractive (or so thought everyone but Jean, who'd chosen it). There were suddenly a lot more bathrooms, and the leftover gumbo in the fridge, which Hank had insisted not be moved on the grounds that it might eventually develop intelligence, was transported to the other side of he galaxy where it would one day evolve into a star spanning race of diplomats who would bring peace to the entire galaxy.

Other 'improvements', such as the sudden addition of sweaters to everyone's wardrobe, were less well received, but no one said anything.

"And this is the medlab," Rogue said, almost keeping her voice free of nervous tremor and wondering desperately why she was elected tour guide when Storm was right there and could've done it just as well, if not better.  "This right here.  But ya can't go in there, 'cause the doc says--"


"Well, y-yeah, o'course ya can, an' no one's gonna tell you different, but--"

"EXCUSE ME."  God pushed past Rogue -- not really much of an effort, since she was quick to leap out of his way -- and blasted the door down into the medlab.  There was a person on a bed over to the left side, and God, being a curious sort, and having nothing better to do (if you don't count, like, running the universe and everything) went over to investigate.

Pete Wisdom, battling some dreaded unknown illness that served no purpose except to have him bed-bound for this scene, opened his eyes groggily and looked up into ... the face of God.

"Who the bloody hell're you?" Not the impact God had been going for.

He blinked (yes, God has eyelids), and stared. All things considered, God was used to being recognised fairly quickly.  I mean, when it comes right down to it, not many people look like God. A few look like Ghandi, and some like Mother Theresa -- and one or two are the spittin' image of Winona Ryder -- but no one looks like God except for God.  And occasionally the Holy Spirit when God is sleeping late, but that's only with signed permission and no company benefits.

Of course, God (being an honest sort) told him the truth. "I'M GOD."

"I'm an atheist." said Pete. "I don't believe in God."


"Yeah, well--" Pete started.

God blinked.

Pete vanished.

"Goddess!" Storm exclaimed. "What have you done?!"

"I REALLY DO PREFER JUST TO USE GOD, ACTUALLY." God said. "I MEAN, *YES*, EQUAL RIGHTS, *YES*, WOMEN'S LIB, BUT A DEITY JUST GETS USED A CERTAIN ... FORM OF..." He trailed off in the face of Storm's glare. (She'd been a goddess herself once. She know how it was done). God sighed. "NEVER MIND."

"Goddess." Storm said sternly. "If you wish to be an X-man then there are certain standards to be upheld. And it does not befit an X-man to negate the existence of a teammate just because of ... theological differences. Please bring him back at once."

"Then again Ororo," Kurt offered, "This is God, after all. If He wants to make Pete Wisdom vanish, who are we to--"


"Kidding, I was kidding -- No really, Katzchen, I was..."

Some time and several miracles later...

"Fine, whatever, I believe in you." Pete admitted finally. "I still don't bloody like you, though."

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND." God said, genuinely bewildered (insofar as one who knows everything can be bewildered). "WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE? I'M PERFECT. NO, HONESTLY, HOW COULD YOU NOT LOVE THIS FACE?" God pushed 'this face' into Pete's less perfect one. The face of God glowed like a sun in the confines of medlab. It was a face which would convert any sinner short of the Devil himself. It was a face to launch a thousand angels. It was a face -- well, y'know. It was a face. And it belonged to God. Cool, huh?

"Yer breath stinks." Pete said. "And yer nose is too big. Now is there any chance of my gettin' some kip here, or what?"

~end part two

~on to part three


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