The Book Of X-Men I:i-viii
GOD joins the X-Men
Salem Centre, Westchester: Home of the Uncanny X-men.
One particularly fine morning, there was a great and thunderous
knock at the mansion's front door. They got great and thunderous
knocks all the time, however, so no-one paid a great deal
"Ah'll get it!" Rogue called sunnily, and ran down
to pull it open. "Oh my God..." she gasped as she
laid eyes upon their visitor.
"YES." God (for indeed it was he)
said agreeably. "THAT'S RIGHT."
"Wha -- how -- who -- Oh my God."
"YES." He said once again, his VOICE
shaking the very foundations of the mansion. "YOU'VE
GOT IT EXACTLY RIGHT, WELL DONE. I'VE COME TO JOIN THE X-MEN.
NOT THAT I DON'T APPRECIATE YOUR SAVING MY WORLD ALL THE TIME,
BUT I'VE DECIDED I SHOULD DO A BIT OF MY OWN DIRTY WORK FOR
ONCE. ONLY FAIR, DON'T YOU THINK?"
Rogue, not thinking quite straight, slammed the door in his
face and ran.
"Rogue?" Scott asked, as she dived behind the sofa.
"Who's at the door?"
"Rogue, don't waste time swearing, speak to me. Who's
at the door? Is it an enemy? Is it--"
"No, you moron!" She stuck her head over the sofa,
eyes wild. "It's God. You know -- GOD.
Lord of all creation! Father of Jesus! God. You know? GOD."
She crossed herself, and then stopped. "What am ah doing?"
she said hysterically. "Ah ain't even catholic..."
"...Oh." Scott said very gently. "I see. Of
course. That's fine." He backed away from her carefully.
>>Jean!<< he called urgently through the
psionic rapport he shared with his wife. >>I think
you'd better come quickly!<<
>>It's Rogue. She's gone insane. She says God's
at the door.<<
>>Yes. Apparently he just ... knocked.<<
Jean took this in without blinking.
>>Try to keep her calm until I get there.<<
"Ah'm not crazy Cyke!" Rogue hissed at him, reading
his expression if not his mind. "God is
at the door! He says he wants to join the X-men
and -- oh my G--" Rogue slapped her hand over her mouth,
and looked around nervously. "I mean ... oh ... dear.
I slammed the door in his--"
"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!" God said,
coming into the room. (He'd blown the door down. Having
watched the X-men for so long, he had come to believe this
was their normal method of entering a building, and was trying
to fit in.)
"Oh my God!" Scott leapt behind the sofa too.
"YES, THAT'S MY NAME. DON'T WEAR IT OUT."
"THAT WAS JUST A LITTLE DIVINE COMEDY THERE."
"AND THAT WAS A JOKE TOO. NOT BIG ON HUMOUR DOWN
HERE, ARE YOU?"
"um ... God...?"
"That's really ... uh ... you ... is it?"
"YES. AS I TOLD EMILY THERE--"
"That's mah real name." Rogue said in a very small
"Oh. Really? We all thought it must be Wilma or something..."
"YES, WELL, AS I TOLD HER, I'VE COME TO JOIN THE
X-MEN. WHERE DO I SIGN UP?"
"So ... we're not dead then?" Scott asked, just
"NOT UNLESS YOU REALLY START TO ANNOY ME."
God said. "AND FRANKLY, YOU'RE GETTING THERE."
Just then Jean came in.
"Oh my God!" she said, fairly predictably.
God rolled his divine eyes. "AH, PHOENIX."
He said, not letting his impatience show (he was God, after
all. His patience was infinite. More or less.) "NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN. ENJOYING EARTH, ARE YOU?"
Jean just stared at him, swaying slightly. "Um."
She managed after a while. "Sorry, what?"
"ME, GOD." He enunciated (fairly unnecessarily,
given that he was using the VOICE, and they could hear
him clearly in Brooklyn.) "LORD OF ALL CREATION,
AS EMILY THERE PUT IT. YOU, PHOENIX. CELESTIAL AVATAR, AS
YOU ALWAYS INSISTED ON CALLING YOURSELF. A BIT SHOWY, I ALWAYS
THOUGHT." No one dared point out that the title "Lord
Of All Creation" might, from certain points of view,
also be seen as a tad showy. "I MEAN, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, AND I KNOW EVERYTHING." God looked
slightly put out. Everyone cringed.
"Uh..." Jean said politely. "I think you're
getting me confused with someone else. You see, I'm not Phoenix.
I'm Jean. There was this whole--"
"NO, NO, YOU'RE PHOENIX ALL RIGHT." God
insisted. "I'D KNOW YOU ANYWHERE." Jean opened
her mouth, but: "DON'T CONTRADICT ME, THERE'S A GOOD
CELESTIAL AVATAR. I'M GOD. I DON'T TAKE WELL TO THAT SORT
"Yes... so I've -- heard ... but -- Phoenix -- she wasn't
me, she just--"
"I UNDERSTAND YOUR CONFUSION. AND IT'S -- WELL, I'D
SAY IT WAS MY FAULT, BUT I'M PERFECT, SO OBVIOUSLY IT WASN'T.
BUT, THERE WAS THIS LITTLE ... MIXUP ... IN THE AFTERLIFE."
Insofar as the Lord Of All Creation is capable of looked embarrassed,
he looked embarrassed. "YOU UNDERSTAND."
"Oh. I see." Jean/Phoenix said faintly. For indeed,
when God said it, it all seemed to make perfect sense. "So,
these recent ... urges I've been having to wear my old Phoenix
"GO RIGHT AHEAD. MUCH NICER THAN YOUR PRESENT ONE,
I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT. AND I HAVE PERFECT TASTE IN COSTUMES."
He considered a moment, before adding, "AND IN EVERYTHING
"Ah ... excuse me ... God?" Scott said. "
I was wondering ... could we discuss your ... reason for being?"
He heard his own words and went pale. er. "Here.
Your reason for being HERE, is what I meant.
If that's all right." It occured to Scott that he'd just
interrupted God, but he had always believed in treating everyone
equally, and anyone who turned up at the door and said they
wanted to join the X-men ... was ... well ... allowed to,
usually ...Scott decided that they really did need to review
their membership policy, but that it would have to wait.
"OF COURSE." Was all God said, before taking
a seat on the couch. Some men might have been made uncomfortable
by the presence of God sitting on their living room couch.
Scott Summers, it must be said, was definitely one of them.
But he hid it well.
"So," he repeated, just for clarification, as he
paced with forcibly measured strides across the living room,
"you want to join the X-Men."
"Um. Now I know you sort of explained this, but ...
well ... why? I mean, you're God.
Can't you just fix everything from Heaven, or something?"
God glanced down, admiring his brand new spandex costume.
"THEN WHO WOULD GET TO SEE MY UNIFORM, HMM??"
Just then a voice broke in as someone came down the stairs.
"Would someone mind telling me who's making so much damn
noise?? Hell, forget that part ... just SHUT
UP! There's a sick person in the house!"
God turned to look at the new arrival, perplexed. "I'M
GOD," he said, as if that explained everything
and made it all okay.
Cecilia stopped in the doorway, eyes going impossibly wide.
"Dios," she breathed.
"YEAH, THAT TOO." God sat back, looking
again at Scott. "NOW AS I WAS SAYING--"
"Now hold on just one minute here!" Cecilia interrupted,
swallowing down the lump of fear and awe in her throat. "Just
because you're God doesn't mean you have the right to interfere
with a sick person's much-needed rest!" Jean, Scott and
Rogue (still behind the sofa) just looked at her, thinking,
and we'd just started to get to know her too. Oh well.
God turned very, very slowly, shocked beyond reason. God
hadn't been chastised in, oh, millennia. "YOU DARE
TO SPEAK THUS TO ME? I'M GOD. I'M ALL POWERFUL.
Cecilia was not impressed. Well, actually she was
impressed, what with it being God and everything, but she
was in full 'Annoyed Doctor Reyes' mode, and she couldn't
seem to turn it off. "Then you can use that omnipotence
to know that someone in this house needs his sleep."
Just then Logan walked through, chewing on an unlit cigar.
He slanted a disapproving look at Cecilia as he passed her.
"No need to kick a man while he's down, darlin'."
He stopped briefly in front of God with a nod. "Don't
worry, bub. Happens to the best of us." Nodded once more
at Scott, then walked on out of the room.
God, Scott, and Cecilia stared silently after the departing
Phoenix the celestial avatar joined Rogue behind the sofa.
~on to part two...
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