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Claremont's Return

Stories by Acetal

"Who Wears the Pants?"
What if Rogue was the third Summers brother?


DISCLAIMER: The X-Men and everyone else appearing in this story belong to Marvel. I doubt that they'd like what I've done with their characters, (if they did I'd be very, very scared) but I'm not making any money off this story. Please let me know if you want to archive this. MSTings and Pop-Ups are okay as long as I get a copy.
CONTINUITY: This story takes place some time before Onslaught and Uncanny X-Men #350, but after X-Men #45. Continuity? From me? You'll have to be satisfied with that. Oh all right. Joseph is a youthified amnesiac Magneto and Wolverine is still feral.
Just when you thought the Gambit/Rogue relationship couldn't be messed up any further I come along. This story was inspired by several recent discussions on OTL and a probably psychotic Muse.

Rogue flew through the air above the mansion, exulting in the warm sunshine and the sensation of the wind pressing against her body like the lover she could never have. It was the one part of her powers that she loved. Sometimes, when she was up here alone, she almost felt it was worth absorbing Carol Danvers, having so many stolen memories in her head, just for this. Until she came back down to earth, where he was. But for now she was free from worldly concerns. She tried a somersault.

A voice broke in on her musings. "Rogue, much as I am disinclined to disturb your airborne acrobatics, you have an appointment with me."

Rogue sighed and replied to her com-badge. "Ah'll be right there, Beast." Diving, she pulled up at the last moment to land gracefully on grass that was still wet from the morning dew. With the Professor still away at a conference in Washington she'd needed a short break from the inevitable chaos.

"Ah, there you are, Rogue," Beast greeted her, as she entered the med-lab and sat down on a bed with hospital corners. Once, when she'd first joined the X-Men, she'd tried dropping a dime on the crisp white sheets to see if it would bounce. It had actually sprung back up further than the height she'd dropped it from! Such things tended to happen when there was a telekinetic like Jean around.

Beast finished the notes he'd been making and smiled. "Until now we've been unable to get the blood we need to do an in-depth genetic profile because of your invulnerability," he said, snapping on his gloves, "Now, I know you've refused to wear a Genoshan collar..."

"NO! Ah'm not wearing one of those thangs."

"I wasn't suggesting it," he protested mildly, "I think I've found an alternative."

"Oh. Sorry, sugah, bad memories."

"It's quite understandable," Beast reassured her, "After Logan's disastrous encounter with Magneto I had Forge use some of the adamantium to make a set of hypodermic needles." He pulled out the biggest, shiniest needle Rogue had seen in her life and grinned evilly. "Hold still, this won't hurt a bit."


"There, see, that did not cause you undue distress, did it?"

A silent accusing glare was the only response he got.

"Yes, well. This part could take a while. You could abide in the waiting room if it appeals to you. I understand that some of the magazines are less than a year old."

Rogue left, still clutching her arm. Sitting down she began leafing through an old edition of Time magazine. Apparently they'd just landed on the moon. A loud "Oh dear," was suddenly heard to come from the med-lab. Beast nervously opened the door to find the entire team in the waiting room.

"What's wrong? It isn't Legacy, is it?"


"She ain't pregnan'?"


Sam quickly hid the shotgun behind his back.

"Is it contagious?"

Bishop levelled his plasma rifle at Rogue "She's a plant, isn't she? Just like Mondo. Traitor!"

"Oh, yeah. It's obvious she's going to turn into a pumpkin at midnight. Cut down on the caffeine, will yah?"

"For cryin' out loud. Be quiet, y'all, so'n Ah ken find out."

Beast looked embarrassed. "Ummm ... according to these results, Rogue, you're the third Summers brother."

There was a shocked silence.

"Don' you mean sister, mon ami?"

"Er ... no. Brother."


"Yes, someone appears to have played a practical joke. I'll have to take another blood sample."

"Arrrgh! When Ah get mah hands on the person responsible..."

Beast hurriedly retreated back into his laboratory, having got the blood he needed, and with the threat of being turned into a throw-rug hanging over him. "I wonder which one of my esteemed associates is responsible for this incident? Kitty, perchance?"

Rogue glared at the X-Men who were trying unsuccessfully to hide their expressions. "It ain't funny!"

Gambit leant over and breathed into her ear, "Remy t'ink dey be socks, chere. Maybe he want t' play footsie, non?"

"Can it, cajun. Ah said it ain't funny."

Tension in the waiting room was high as they waited for Beast to repeat the test.

"You know," Bobby pondered, "This might not be such a bad thing."



"Shut up!"

They waited. Silently. The only sound that could be heard was the clacking of needles as Storm started another row on the baby booties she was making. But that's a different story all together.

Finally Beast re-entered the waiting room. Apart from being blue his face had also turned several interesting shades of white and red. "It appears that the first analysis was not erroneous. Rogue is indeed a Summers," he paused, "and she is also a man."

"What!?!!!" Scott screamed. "As if this family isn't screwed up enough!"

#Scott!# Jean mentally admonished him. #Be nice to your sister... I mean brother... whatever.#

"Sorry, Rogue. It just slipped out."

Rogue sobbed, "Ah can't believe this is happening." 'She' fluttered 'her' eyelashes at Joseph. "Do Ah look like a man?"

"Well there is that excessive bodily hair thing," he replied in shock. Finding out that your girlfriend is a Summers can do that to you. "Ummm ... er ... I mean no. Of course not."

Rogue gave him a cold glare. "We'll talk later, sugah."

Scott, after a bit of mental prodding from Jean, tried a calmer approach. "Ummm, well, welcome to the family, Rogue," he smiled in what he thought was an encouraging manner.

"Ah'm a Summers! Waaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!"

Jean glaring at her husband, tried to calm Rogue down. "Why didn't you ever tell us, Rogue?"

"...I never knew! Waaaaaaahhhhhh!"

Jean concentrated. "Hmmm... there appears to be a mental block. Strange that the Professor never noticed it. There. That should ... Rogue? Are you all right?"

Rogue stopped crying. 'Her' face was frozen in shock. "Ah remember. Ah remember it all. Even when Magneto an' Ah made love in the Savage Land."

Joseph turned white. "We did WHAT in the Savage Land? Arrrgghhhh!!!" He rushed for the bathroom. "Soap! Soap!!!"

Rogue watched him go, vaguely disappointed. "Ah suppose y'all want to know
how this happened," 'she' began, "It all started with a kiss..."

In an underground base that had, on a whim, been built in Phoenix, Sinister watched the events unfolding on the monitor in front of him with satisfaction and sighed nostalgically. Ah the delight he had experienced with the invention of silly putty.

"... an' then, when Sinister got a hold of me, Ah got these."

Betsy whispered snidely to Storm, "I always knew they were fake."

Storm raised an eyebrow. "This is coming from you?"

Rogue faced Gambit, 'she' knew 'she' had no chance with him now, but he at least deserved to know the truth. "Mah real name's Cody."

"Dat's all right. Remy got a confession to make too. You know how Betsy's underwear keeps disappearing?"

Betsy broke off her exchange of abuse with Storm, furious. "You stole my underwear!?! Behold my psychic knife, the focused totality of all my..." she stopped, confused. "Wait a minute. I don't wear any underwear."

Warren looked flustered and started preening himself nervously. Bobby gave him a sympathetic grin.

Remy tried a different approach. "Rogue, you know 'ow my body armour is pink?"


"I'm gay. Will you marry me?"


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