If I misrepresent any of the X-Men, then
it's all in fun. I don't own any of the X-Men. that means
Rachel, Jean, Kitty, Marrow, Jubilee, Cyclops, Rogue, Gambit,
Wolverine, or Shatterstar. I am poor. Do not sue me. Soul
belongs to me. I really, really, really like the X-Men and
was just poking fun at them.
Jubilee: Come on, tell the truth. Don't tell me you
truly invited me over to make friends with HER.
She tried to kill Wolvie. She's lucky I don't fry her butt.
Jean: Now, Jubilee. You have to see this from her
point of view.
Kitty: Of course we do. You have to understand, Jubes,
that she's a psychopath that doesn't even belong on any of
the teams, including X-Force.
Kitty: But it's true.
Jean: You're also both here to help out with Rogue.
She's been down ever since, well...
Jubilee: Since Mr. Right turned into Mr. Right-Person-To-Lead-A-Mutant-Massacre.
Jean: Will you two stop it! Scott will be back at
any moment with Marrow and Rogue so we can play Risk.
Kitty: Anyone else find the irony in the fact that
we're playing a game where the object is to take over the
world using force a little funny?
Jean: Kitty, I need you two to focus. Not worry about
a little game or Wolverine.
Jubilee: So we turn our backs on him?
Jean: That's not the point. The point is to get Rogue
out of her depression and to let Marrow feel she belongs.
Jubilee: So you pick the youngest person off Excalibur
and the best partier in Generation X. It makes perfectly logical
sense. Are you sure that Phoenix outfit hasn't gone to your
head? You know, the absolute fashion statement corrupting
Kitty: She's got a point. You've been acting different
ever since you put on that suit.
Jean: That's not the point. (She glares at them)
You both know how it feels to be the odd woman out.
Marrow (Walks into the room with Rogue and Cyclops
behind her): I'm sure they do.
Jean: We were just...
Rogue: Just insertin' your foot in your mouth.
Cyclops (Clears his throat): Why don't we pick
which colors we want and start the game?
Kitty: I'll take blue and black.
Marrow: Orange and brown belong to me.
Rogue: I've got green and yellow.
Jean: When don't you? I'll have purple and gray.
Cyclops: I'll take red and white.
Jubilee: I want the multi-colored ones.
Kitty: Multi-colored ones? There are no multi-colored
pieces in Risk.
Jubilee: Then what are these?
The game pieces begin to glow, then the world erupts into
a swirl of multi-color. The colors blind them momentarily,
allowing a thick gas to fill their noses and the floor to
drop out beneath them.
Jean: Cyclops, where are you? (her voice sounds
harsh) *Must be because of the smoke*
Cyclops: Over here, Jean.
Jean: *Thank God Jubilee is okay* (she crawls over
to her) Are you all right?
Cyclops: I think I am, but I couldn't feel you over
Jean: What? *Jubilee must have hit her head or something*
Cyclops: You know our... (stares at her for a moment)
This is no time for any jokes, Marrow.
Jean: Are you sure you didn't hit your head? I'm Jean...
(she stops talking and stares down at her hands.) My
god, Jubilee! I'm in Marrow's body.
Cyclops (looks down at his own body): But I'm
Jubilee: Will you two stop yelling? (They both
turn at the same time to see Scott's body walk up to them.)
I have a headache. I should've listened to Everett and gone
with him to rent movies.
Jubilee (Stops walking towards them): That's
my body! (she then looks down at her current body.)
Gross! I have Scott's old wart covered body!
Scott (pouting): Well, you got the better deal.
Rogue (sauntering over): Don't know about that,
Jean: Rogue, is that you?
Rogue: In the flesh, or rather, in your flesh if that's
Jean: How did you get in there?
Rogue (shrugs her shoulder delicately): I have
no idea how I got in here. Just woke up and was wearing your
Jean: But if you're got my skin, and I've got Marrow's,
then where's your body?
Jubilee: She's probably out running around with it,
Marrow: If only I was that lucky to get away from
you pretty ones.
Marrow: Yes, but then again, I'm one of the pretty
pretties now too. (Twirls around showing off Kitty's body
like it was a mink coat)
Kitty: And if you hurt that body I promise you I'll
rearrange your face so no one will ever recognize you again.
Jean (stage whisper): Rachel.
Kitty: Someone keep that girl under wraps. I don't
want her doing anything to my body.
Kitty: You've got that one right, Jubes. I may be
in Rachel's body, but it's me, Kitty. I'm the ultra-babe now.
Mothers lock up your sons! (They stare at her) What?
Aren't I allowed to have any fun?
Jean: You're not acting like yourself.
Kitty: You haven't spent time with me in years, how
do you know how I act?
Cyclops: Kitty, this isn't like you. What's gotten
into you? You're acting so strange.
Kitty: I feel energized. I feel alive for the first
time in my whole life.
Jubilee: Now introducing the Rachel Summers body.
Get stuck in this body and your self esteem goes from 0 to
1 billion in 2.5 seconds.
Cyclops (snaps): Control yourself!
Jean: We've all been acting strange lately. I think
something happened to us when we arrived here.
Cyclops: She's right. After all, just look around
here. It looks like we're in the mansion.
Marrow: Cheap paper mansion.
Jubilee: So what's the plan?
Cyclops: Scout around and see if you can find anything
out of place.
Rogue: I just got one question before we start searchin'.
Where's mah body? Not that I'm in a hurry to get it back or
Jean: We can find your body later. (Rogue glares
at her). I swear that will be the second thing we do.
We have more important things to do now though.
Jubilee: Like what?
Jean (loud sigh): We have to suspect one of
our enemies is out there. We have to find them and get them
to put us back in our proper bodies and get us home.
Marrow: I happen to like this body.
Jubilee: Well, I'm not staying in his body.
Cyclops: Neither am I.
Jean: If any of our enemies are here they've probably
seen us by now.
Jubilee: Really? No duh. Oh, by the way I thought
maybe it was one of our allies was doing this, not to mention
the fact I thought we were going to keep the bodies we got.
Rogue: We find mah body NOW!
Cyclops groans at that moment.
Jean: Are you okay honey?
Cyclops: I think so.
Rogue: Stop interrupting. I may not be happy about
mah powers, but Ah've worked long and hard on mah body.
Marrow: All those hours, probably days getting your
body in shape?
Cyclops: All the stuff you went through with Carol
Kitty: You mean... (makes a hand motion around
the breast area)
Rogue: Of course I mean mah breasts. You other guys
are crazy. Jean's body's in fine condition, but mah breasts
are plastic. How else do yah think ah got those babies to
stand at attention? Do you know how much money it takes to
find someone who can operate on invulnerable skin that'll
swallow your soul, plus put something in ya that the body
Cyclops: I really don't want to hear this. I really
don't need to know about that. (gets thoughtful) What's
Jubilee: What's what?
Jean: Scott, dear, we don't feel anything.
Cyclops: What is that dripping sensation?
Jubilee: Oh no. Please don't let it be May 29.
Marrow: What's a'matter? Forget to do a book report,
or maybe return a library book?
Kitty: What is it?
Jubilee: You know.
Jean: No we don't.
Cyclops (in the background): Oh my sides! Oh
the pain! This is horrible torture.
Jean: What's happening to him?
Jubilee: I'd rather tell you in private.
Jean: What's happening to him? Jubilee, tell me, he's
Jubilee: It's kinda personal.
Cyclops: What is it? AM I going to die?
Do you have a disease that you never told us about?
Kitty: Are you pregnant?
Marrow: Been sexually abused by Wolverine?
Jean: Are the queen to the Brood?
Jubilee: I'm on the rag, having my monthly, riding
the crimson wave, I'm... (Scott groans and grows pale)
Jean: I think he understands.
Cyclops: You're, you're having your period? While
I'm in your body?!
Marrow: Leader man sure is dense.
Jean: Shut up, Marrow.
Cyclops: Oh my God! Oh my God! This can't be happening!
Marrow: But it is, Leaderman.
Cyclops (sobbing): Leave me alone! (Faints)
Jean (rushing over to his side): Are you all
right, sweety? (Shakes him)
Marrow: This should be fun.
Jean: Don't make me kill you.
Cyclops (comes out of the faint): Oh God. What
a nightmare. I was.... AHAHAHAHAHAH!
Kitty: Who would have ever thought being a women would
turn him into a sobbing baby?
Cyclops (crawling towards Jubilee): You HAVE
to make it stop.
Jubilee: Yeah. Right.
Cyclops: Please! I'll let you become a X-Man again.
Anything you want! ANYTHING!
Jean (gently): Scott dear, she can't stop it.
Now pull yourself together.
Cyclops: Pull myself together? Pull myself together?!
I'm riding the crimson wave. This is no man's land. How am
I supposed to pull myself together?
Rogue: No need to yell, sugah. We're right here.
Marrow: Men are such babies.
Cyclops: What do I do? How do I stop it? What are
those things you use to stop it? They come in the pink boxes.
What are those things, Jean?
Jean: Some are tampons and some are pads.
Cyclops: One of you show me how to use them.
Silence reigns supreme.
Kitty: Jean, you're his wife.
Marrow: Not while Jean's in my body!
Jean: Well it's Jubilee's body. She should do it.
Jubilee: As if! His hands are not touching my body.
Besides you married his wart covered...
Jean: Jubilation Lee! What have I told you about that
kind of language?
Jubilee: Then have a little talk with your husband
about how to take care of a woman's body.
Marrow (Mumbled under breath so no one will hear):
It would take more then a little talk.
Rogue: I wanna know where mah body is!
Cyclops (snaps): Fine. If none of you are going
to help then let's get going. (Mumbles) Why do I have
this sudden craving for a slice of chocolate cake?
Rogue: We're not going anywhere, at least not until
I know where mah body is.
Shatterstar (Star): I fear I have it. (Rogue's
body walks over to them very timidly. Arms folded across breasts
and brow furrowed)
Kitty: What is this? X-Men Universal, Dimensional,
and Timeline Body Swapping Day?
Star: I am afraid it seems so.
Kitty: And who are you? You don't walk like Rachel
would, and we don't have any extra bodies running around.
Star: Shatterstar, from X-Force, remember. I believe
I've met all of you at least once.
Jean: Welcome, Star. How did you get here if you don't
mind me asking?
Star: I went to sleep, and when I woke up I was here
in this body. (Gestures at Rogue's body)
Marrow: Poor baby.
Rogue: So Rachel must be runnin' around here with
your body. (Giggle) I never thought I'd see Rachel
in that kind of predicament. Stuck in some guy's body.
Jean (grinning): She'll have you wrapped up
in red leather by the time you get your body back.
Kitty: No, it'll match his hair. You're a strawberry
blond right? You're going to have that color of leather all
over you. She can find a leather store ANYWHERE.
(Star's eyes widen in terror. Kitty is about to continue
on wagging her finger at the others when he interrupts.)
Star: We must stop her then.
Rachel: Stop who from doing what? (Turn to see
her walking towards them in a leather tight strawberry blondish
colored leather complete with dog spiked color around his
neck) Hey guys! What's up? (They continue to stare.)
So which one of you is this Shatterstar guy?
Star (Raising arm slowly): I am.
Rachel: This must be your body then. I see you're
stuck in Rogue's body. Let me guess, Rogue doesn't have my
body. That is definitely not a Rogue pose. (Points at Kitty
who still has her finger out, her nose wrinkled, and is ready
to go into a long lecture.)
Rachel: The one and only.
Kitty (throws herself into Rachel's arms):
We thought you were dead, or stuck in the future.
Rachel: I'm a Summers and a Grey (rolls her eyes).
Nothing kills us. We're harder to kill than cockroaches.
Kitty (mumbled): Isn't that the truth.
Rogue: You poor thing. You got stuck in a guy's body.
All of us were lucky enough to get in other gals' bodies,
except poor Jubilee.
Jubilee: Can you believe I got stuck in Cyclops wart
Rachel (laughing): Poor Jubes. At least I got
off easy in that regard. It was fun picking this body out
a new costume. You would not believe all the invitations I
got to go have a drink. I'm surprised ol' Shatterstar doesn't
have a beerbelly by now. Thank god his butt was tight enough
for this leather.
Jean (Star gets bright red): Rachel!
Rachel: It's true. So, what's the plan?
Rachel: Yes, plan. How do we get out of this situation?
Jean: No clue.
Cyclops: No one's told me what to do yet about Jubilee's
little problem yet.
Rachel: What problem?
Marrow (grinning): She's on the rag.
Cyclops and Jubilee turn bright red. Both shout:
Kitty: (shaking head) Listen, why don't I go
do some scouting around. We can find out if anyone is out
there. All of you stay here.
Jean: How will you stay hidden?
Kitty shakes her head. She jumps up heading towards the
Rachel: Wait! You can't phase!
Kitty (hits her head on the ground): Oh, that
Jean: How could you forget you're in Rachel's body?
Cyclops: That was stupid.
Jubilee: At least she knows how to apply a tampon!
Rachel: Kitty, you messed up my hair!
Marrow: I knew you were conceited but this is ridiculous.
Jean: Will all of you stop? We're going to die if
we can't work together.
Marrow: Why don't we work together, Star, once you're
back in your own body of course.
Star: There will be no need to work together then.
Marrow: You and I can play a little game though.
Star: Game? I am a warrior-born. I have no time for
games. I must train.
Marrow: What I have in mind will give you a workout.
Star (turning red): This is not something that
happens to a warrior-born.
Rachel (shaking head): Thank god none of the
others are here.
Kitty: They'd never let us live it down.
At that moment Wolverine walks over to them from the kitchen
door. He seems very intent on Rogue's body.
Kitty: Not you, too.
Wolverine ignores them both and walks over to Rogue's
body and begins to kiss one of Shatterstar's gloved hands.
Star: What? Stop! This is no way for you to treat
me. You're my childhood hero!
Wolverine (from behind them): Back off, gumbo.
Gambit (still kissing Star's hand): Can you
forgive me, Rogue?
Rogue: Get away from mah body, swamp rat!
Unknown to her she allows a part of her anger to go into
Jean's power of telekinesis. Her aim is awful, though, she
sends Star and Gambit flying through the air to go through
the kitchen wall.
Marrow: Oops? And you people complained because I
stabbed him through the neck, yet you're not going to say
anything about her putting two of your teammates through a
wall. You people make NO sense.
Wolverine: There's a difference. It's no problem,
darlin'. My body can handle itself and so can Rogue's.
Kitty: That would be him. Looks like you've grown
since I saw you last.
Wolverine (shrugging Gambit's shoulders): Guess
Rogue: Ah'm gonna flatten that cajun like a pancake
run over by a tractor trailer!
Marrow: This should be fun. And he should be able
to heal anything you do to him. While you're at it why don't
you try ripping off various limbs?
Jean: You're in my body though. You can't flatten
Rogue: Then I'll have to use your telekinesis to whip
his butt good.
Rachel: Come on, someone, stop her. She's going ballistic.
Jubilee: What exactly are we supposed to do? None
of us know how to use the others' powers. Well no one except
for Rogue. She's been trained to learn how to use others'
powers. We haven't. (In the background Rogue has formed
a telekinetic shield around Gambit and is bouncing him
off the walls like a racquetball.)
Cyclops: My sides. God, my sides hurt! Oh the agony!
Oh the pain!
Wolverine: What's a matter with him?
Marrow: He's on the...
Cyclops and Jubilee: Marrow! (Gambit goes whizzing
Wolverine turns red.
Kitty: Didn't know you could turn red.
Rachel: Who's going to stop Rogue? (Everyone ignores
her. Rachel stomps over until she's between Rogue and Gambit.
She draws one of her blades.) I won't let you kill him,
Rogue. Then Wolverine and Gambit will be stuck in the same
Gambit: Rogue, let me explain.
Rogue: You've explained enough.
Rachel: Listen, I don't know what this is about, but
you don't wanna hurt Wolverine, do you?
Rogue: Ah guess not.
Rachel: Wait until he's back in his body, then kill
Rogue: All right!
Jean: I'm going to be fired. I just know it.
Scott: You don't have a job, sweetheart.
Jean (avoiding his eyes): Right. How could
I forget? I need to use the bathroom. Excuse me. (begins
to leave the room)
Marrow: I think someone's lying. Wait up, Red!
Jean: I am not, and will you hurry? This is urgent.
What have you been eating? A whole pig?
Marrow: Keep it up. keep it up. (They're out of
Gambit (swaying on his feet): Anyone have some
aspirin, and bandages? (Mumbles) Why couldn't Henry
have been in this fan-fiction?
Kitty: What is he babbling about?
Rogue: Who cares?
Gambit: God they gonna kick my butt at the strip club.
Gambit: Oh no.
Jean (walks in): What? Gambit, you told them
about me and the strip club? (Throws one of Marrow's bones)
Gambit (backing up): No, Jean. I promise I
never tell no one, and Remy keep his word!
Scott: You've been to a (gasp) strip club?
Jean: I work there part time.
Gambit: How you think we get the money for bills?
Think Warren or Betsy pay them? WE have to find
easy ways to make money.
Scott: So you've been taking my WIFE to
a strip club?!
Gambit: She took me to the club. We make good money.
I watch out for her and the others.
Gambit: Stormy and Betsy. They think it fun.
Rogue: Ah'm a gonna whop your butt big time for this.
Turning the others into objects so men can drool on 'em!
Jean: He's a stripper too. He's on the other side
of the club, and the women are a hundred times worse then
Gambit (to Rogue): I just wanted to buy you
nice things. I love you.
Rogue: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
Rachel (whispers to Kitty): She must not get
Rogue: I love you too, Cajun. I forgive ya, for everything.
Wolverine: Never thought I'd see the day when I'd
be kissing Jeannie again.
Cyclops: Stop it! You two stop it immediately! Jean's
body is happily married to me!
Gambit: Now, Scott. WE never get to
kiss before. Let us enjoy it, non?
Rogue: How dare you interrupt Gambit's homecomin'!
Kitty: Jerk! (slap)
Cyclops: Now my cheeks and my sides hurt.
Jubilee: Are you going to put something on or bleed
all over the place?
Cyclops: One of you has to teach me first.
Jean: All right! All right! I'll do it.
Wolverine: You ain't teachin' one-eye about female
products while he's in Jubilee's body.
Jubilee: You tell 'em, Wolvie.
Cyclops: What should I do then?
Gambit: Don't know. You smell like fish though, mon
ami, so stay away from me.
Cyclops (turning to Wolverine): So that's how
you manage to stay away from the mansion whenever it's that
Kitty, Jubilee, Jean, and Rogue surround Wolverine.
Wolverine: Hey, I only did it so I wouldn't annoy
any of you. Would these eyes lie to you, darlins? (All
their faces grow soft)
Kitty: We could never be mad at you.
Jean: You only wanted to keep out of our way.
Rogue: And such a sweet way of doin' it too. I think
Ah'm gonna have to kiss you. (Gives him a nice wet kiss
on the lips)
Marrow: I think I'm going to be sick.
Gambit: He's usin' my power for charmin' the ladies.
Rachel: I'm sick of this. Star, Marrow, Kitty, what
do you say we find who did this and make them pay?
Marrow: Vengeful, isn't she?
Star: An admirable trait in an ally.
Marrow: Stupid man. Sam's more fun.
Soul: Hi there!
Kitty: Where did you come from?
Rachel: And who are you?
Soul: I'm Soul, or at least that's what they call
me here. I can't remember what my real name is anymore. Have
no clue where I'm from.
Jubilee: What happened to you? Are you trapped here
Rachel: Did you do this to us?
Soul: 'Fraid so.
Star: You will put us back to normal now.
Soul: No can do. Sorry.
Marrow: Let me at her.
Soul: You're here to keep me and my mistress happy.
Marrow: Mistress? Man, she's sleepin' with some dame.
Soul: You're stupid. She's my mistress because she
takes care of me. (Rolling of eyes) Why would I want
to sleep with HER?
Jean: Who's your mistress?
Soul: I can't tell you. It's not allowed.
Kitty: Why did you bring us here?
Soul: I told you that answer already, to make us happy.
Kitty: No, why us? You could have brought anyone in
the world, right?
Kitty: Why us?
Soul: We need parents, so I brought Cyclops and Phoenix.
SHE tells me that they make very good parent
figures. Rogue was brought because she can be happy and protect
us along with the cajun. Wolverine to teach us to fight so
we can defend ourselves. Marrow, because she reminds my mistress
of herself. All the feelings, wanting to be good, but failing.
Or at least believing she's failing. Shatterstar because he
is emotionless in battle which is something neither one of
us has ever learned. He keeps his head. Kitty, Jubilee, and
the second Phoenix because one of them was friends with my
mistress. She believes in that one's good taste in friends.
Kitty: Jubilee and Rachel never met until today. That
means it has to be someone I know.
Soul: Maybe, maybe not.
Wolverine: Take us back. Put us right.
Soul (Turning head to side as though listening
to something in the distance): I'm going to. But not because
you told me to, because SHE told me to. I'm
sorry about the mixed-up bodies, and the way this dimension
affected your minds. Goodbye.
Kitty: But who is it?
Soul: Goodbye. (She waves her hand and they disappear.
More multicolored swirls and gases.)
Jean: We're back home, in the mansion.
Rogue: Mah head hurts.
Jubilee: The others are gone.
Cyclops: Jean, check and make sure that the others
Jean: I can sense Wolverine, Star, and Gambit are
fine. I can't feel Rachel though.
Cyclops: She's probably back in her own time.
Kitty: Jean, do you think, could it have been Illyana
or maybe Doug?
Jean: No, Kitty. They're both long since dead.
Kitty: You didn't sense anything?
Jean: No. Now lets go to bed. It's been a long night.
Back in the fake looking paper X-men mansion.
"Well," the voice asks. "Did you send them
"Yes ma'am. They're better now. I did exactly what you
"Don't ever do that again or I will kill you."
"No you won't. No one else can make you fully human
again, Magik. I'm the last chance you've got."
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