Notes and Disclaimers: The inspiration
for this piece came from the Southern
Comfort mailing list. The discussion was the various speed
ratings of characters as depicted on the X-men trading cards.
While the topic revolved around Rogue (it is a mailing list
devoted to her, after all) some other character ratings were
bandied about for comparison. Professor Xavier received a
1. At that point I realized that Xavier's hoverchair really
didn't seem to have a lot going for it. And thus, this little
Charles Xavier, Forge, the X-Men, Magneto, Juggernaut, Sabretooth,
Wolverine, Rogue and Apocalypse do not belong to me. They
belong to Marvel Entertainment. They are being used here without
Marvel's permission. This is a not for profit venture. The
Royal Wiakaloa does exist on the beaches of Hawaii and it
"And now," Magneto sent a wave of magnetic energy
towards Charles, knocking his chair over. "Now is the
end game between us, Charles."
"Guess again, Magneto!" ZARK! A beam
of ruby quartz shot into the room.
The fight between Magneto and the X-men crashed through the
wall of the study and worked its way onto the school grounds.
Charles lay on the floor looking at the ceiling. "This
A week later...
"Thanks for coming, Forge."
"No problem, Charles. You say you need some work done
on your hoverchair?"
Charles steepled his fingers. "Every time I'm faced
with an adversary they knock my chair over. I fall out as
naturally I would. At that point, I'm helpless. This hoverchair
is supposed to improve my mobility but that only works when
I'm in it."
"I see the problem."
"Yes. And, of course, this 'knock-the-chair-over' strategy
is the first thing they try."
"Well, you go with what works," Forge replied matter-of-factly.
"So, what are we talking here. An unspillable cup type
"Never mind," Forge stroked his moustache thoughtfully.
"I've got a better idea."
Two hours later...
"I call it the Weeblo Function."
Charles adjusted himself in his chair. "It doesn't look
"It isn't supposed to."
"The Weeblo Function, eh?" Charles looked skeptical.
"How does it work?"
"See those handles?"
"Hold on to them," Forge turned to the X-man he
had called to assist. "Rogue? Knock the chair over, would
"If you say so, sugah."
Xavier grabbed onto the two handles nestled on each side
of the seat as Rogue approached. With a casual swipe of her
hand she knocked the hoverchair into a backwards arc that
should have toppled Xavier right out.
The hoverchair flew backwards but instead of tipping over
it wobbled steadily for several moments before coming to a
stop. Still upright.
Three weeks later...
"Rrrraaawrr!!" Sabretooth leaped towards Charles'
hoverchair and gave it a sound kick. "I'm gonna savor
Charles grabbed onto the handles in his chair as it wobbled
for a few seconds.
"What's this?" Sabretooth snarled in surprise,
as Xavier did not tumble out of his chair as expected.
With a smirk of satisfaction, Charles turned the hoverchair
towards the door. Hmmmmhmmmm and hovered slowly towards
With a growl, Sabretooth caught Charles before he'd gone
two feet. "Never mind!" He sneered. "I've still
"Guess again, bub."
The battle between Logan and Sabretooth was as epic and bloody
as always. Charles frowned at his chair. "This will not
A week later...
"You want it to go faster?" Forge looked askance
"I can't outrun anybody right now. The Weeblo Function
worked perfectly. But, I still need to be able to get away
from anyone who is wishing me harm. Don't you think?"
Forge nodded slowly. "I see your point. All right. I'll
start working on it."
Eight hours later...
"I call it the Concord Button."
"The Concord Button?" Charles examined the blue
"You press that button and you'll tear out of here,"
Forge looked particularly pleased. "And a steering column
pops up so you have more control. And don't forget to put
on your seat belt."
"Excellent," Charles nodded with a smile.
Five weeks later...
"Why won't this thing tip over?!" Juggernaut bellowed
as he thumped the hoverchair again.
The hoverchair wobbled violently as Charles held on for dear
"Guess I'll just have to SQUASH ya, Charlie!"
Juggernaut raised his foot.
"Guess again, Cain!" Charles pounded the blue Concord
button with his fist. A steering mechanism popped out as Charles
fastened a harness around him. VOOOOOOSH!!! The
hoverchair roared to life and screamed out of the study.
Charles managed to steer the chair through the kitchen and
the dining hall before coming back into the hall and found
himself headed right towards Cain at an alarming speed. "HOLY
Charles ricocheted off of Juggernaut, careened out the front
windows in a beautiful arc and landed in the lake.
The X-men continued to battle Juggernaut as Charles unhooked
his harness and massaged his neck. At least the Weeblo Function
was still working.
A week later...
"You didn't like the Concord Button?"
Charles chose his words carefully. "I think it's more
functional in an open environment. It's not really suitable
within the mansion."
Forge sighed. "All right, I can understand that. Let
me think about it."
"Do you think I could trouble you for something else,
Forge?" Charles rubbed his neck. "One of those automated
A chuckle escaped Forge. "Sure thing, Charles. That's
no problem at all."
Two days later...
"It's called the Bamf Feature." Forge pointed to
the red button underneath the Concord Button. "I think
you'll like it. If you're stuck, just punch it and everything
will work out."
Two weeks later...
"And now, Charles Xavier," Apocalypse thundered.
"Your time has come! You shall not survive my wrath!"
"Wrong again," Charles shouted defiantly punching
the red button.
For a moment nothing happened.
Vrm vrm vrm vrm.... Charles and his hoverchair disappeared
in motes of twinkling lights.
The sound of waves was the first thing Charles was able to
pinpoint through the haze of Forge's new modification. As
his surroundings solidified, Charles found himself on a tropical
beach. The console of his hoverchair opened with a snap and
he discovered sunglasses, a bottle of suntan lotion, and a
"Welcome to the Royal Wiakaloa..." was imprinted
on the picture of sand and sea. On the back of the postcard
in Forge's handwriting was a note. "Wish I was there.
Try the Mai-tai."
Charles flagged down a waiter and placed his order. Then
he put the sunglasses on and settled back in his chair with
a smile. "Perfect."
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