Disclaimer: The recognizable characters,
namely the X-men belong to Marvel. Other than that the whole
Note: Just needed to let out a little steam from all
the sh*t going on in my life through an alternate reality
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Ah've never kept a diary, but they all said that it was supposed
t'be good for me. Ah'm like, whatever, man. But ah ain't got
nothin' to do, so alright, ah'll give the idea a shot.
Name's Sabine Rogers. Ah'm 22 this year, ah guess. Couldn't
be dead sure. Ah don't even know who my parents are. Spent
the last 7 years of my life on the streets, mixin' with all
sorts of pondscum, tryin' every type of dope and drink. It's
been like that for as long as ah can remember. Wakin' up with
hangovers and darn near dyin' off from ODs. The highs ah got...They
made me weep with joy, took me away from my hurtin', but it'd
all be the same when daylight came.
This year, however, things have been inanely different. Ah've
got a totally new lease of life, and ah've got direction now.
Ah'm happy for once. Early this year, some funny things started
to happen to me in the physical way. Ah had some bad hurtin'
for no good reason, and one day I just woke up and found big
holes in my bed and bedroom wall. Smashed right through. Sent
my roommates crazy when they reckoned that ah did all that
damage on my own. The hurtin' got worse, and everythin' fell
apart when I touched Zach, my roommate and kinda zapped him.
Ah had his thoughts and feelings in my head; ah nearly went
crazy from the ordeal.
Tried t'deal with it by drinking and doing heroin. It didn't
work. Ah ran out of money and started ta rob old ladies. This
was where my redemption began. There was this impossibly beautiful
red-head (ah now know her as Jean Grey, telepath extraordinaire)
who saw me zap an old lady and take her money. Ah was 'bout
to touch her too when ah heard her voice in my head, calmin'
me and wantin' ta help me. Most weird thing that ever darned
happened t'me...Ah actually believed her and trusted her.
So here ah am today. A much better and healthier person.
This place ah've been callin' home for 4 months now is the
Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters. That's all a facade,
o'course. It's actually a school and home for the mutant group
known as the X-men. Yup, that's what ah really was - a mutant;
all that pain ah had, the incredible strength ah had, that
zappin' thing that ah couldn't control...At least now ah knew
what in Sam's Hill was wrong with me. Doctor McCoy labeled
it as 'a psyche absorption'...Uh huh. Okay and a shrug, sugar.
As ah said, ah'm feelin' much better. Ah'm off drugs now,
ah actually lookpretty and ah have purpose. Jean and Ororo
said that ah've still got thatattitude problem and stubborn
streak (well, a literal one, 'cause ah got ableached streak
down my auburn hair), but it's miles better than what itused
ta be. Words can't say how glad ah am ta be truly alive.
Ah can fly!!!! Literally! Xavier says that with some practice,
ah could put this newly-surfaced power ta some nifty use.
Everything looks so clear and peaceful from above, it's like
ah can think so straight up here. Got myself a new place t'be
alone besides my bedroom, ah guess.
A new guy came in today. Really scruffy an' all...But he
was kinda appealin'. He's got the most beautiful eyes ah've
ever seen, red on black, glowin' and mesmerizin'. They haven't
got his name yet; the fella just walked in, showed Xavier
a playin' card and charged it up with some sort of energy
just by touchin' it. Hot damn. He's got style.
From the way he talks, ah'd reckon that he's Cajun. Ah'm
thrilled at that...A fellow Southerner's always welcome, y'know.
'Specially if he keeps winkin' and grinnin' at ya. Ah like
the attention, ah guess - he is a good-lookin' one after all.
Probably an incorrigible flirt too. Ah ain't takin' all that
flirtin' ta heart.
It happened again. Ah touched Ororo by accident and suck
the psyche outta her. There was contact for barely one second,
and ah sent her into a coma. Hank says she'll be up by next
week...But ah ain't alright. My mind's on fire, thoughts and
memories that don't belong ta me blippin' in and out of my
head. Ah cried myself ta sleep last night. As if ah didn't
have enough trouble already...Lord, not bein' able ta touch
anyone? Ah just wanna die.
Ah got a call today. It was Annabelle, the only person back
in the dumps whom ah told where ah was goin'. She told me
that old Frances was dyin'. Couldn't believe it. Three months
ago, when ah last saw her, she was just fine. Ah could feel
my heart shatterin' again.
Rushed down t'the charity hospital where Annabelle had brought
her to when she collapsed. Cold, cold loss gnawed at my chest
as ah approached the bed, found Annabelle cryin' and Frances
lyin' still and looking as pale as the sheet she was lyin'
on. Ah knew ah was too late; she'd already gone. She didn't
get ta see me one last time. Ah didn't get to tell her how
much ah loved her, and how grateful ah was.
Annabelle said that it was leukemia. Frances had it for around
6 months, but never told anyone. We all thought she was losin'
weight 'cos she couldn't get enough to eat. Ah gave her my
food from the shelter, but she never wanted any...
Ah looked at her, but ah could hardly see, with all the harsh
tears in my eyes. The people from the morgue were already
comin' ta get her body. At least she bore a peaceful expression
on her face, as if in deep sleep. Ah'd almost afraid to come
down here; for fear that ah'd see her struggling to keep alive,
or the pain, death throes...But the nurses said that she hadn't
regained consciousness since she arrived. They determined
her death as a complication of leukemia, some chest infection
or something. In other words, asphyxiation.
It was a peaceful way to go, they said. Ah had to agree.
Frances had been like a grandmother t'me...Lovin' me and carin'
for me unconditionally. She tried ta get me off drugs. And
ah did try, just for her and actually succeeded. Then the
government people came, took her off the streets by force
and stuck her in a home for the aged. Ah went back tothe dope
after we lost contact. That was three months ago. Ah never
stopped missin' her, but ah never had the resources or means
As they took her exhausted, worn body away, ah couldn't stop
cryin'. Oh,Grandma...Ah'm so sorry ah didn't make it in time.
We laid Frances ta rest today. The Professor was so kind
and generous to lend a little space in the mansion burial
grounds and some money to hold a simple funeral for her. Ah
can't even begin t'express how grateful ah am.
Annabelle and ah felt a sense of bittersweet emotions. Ah
guess we were happy that Frances didn't haveta suffer no more,
but we felt such grief that she had been alone, we hadn't
been able ta find her till it was too late...And that we were
gonna miss her so.
Annabelle handed me a li'l pocketknife with a jaded handle.
Frances had her will and her few prized possessions in an
old shoebox, and she'd wanted me t'have her favourite treasure
that she'd kept for a long time. Ta Annabelle she left a worn,
charm bracelet for luck and direction.
Ah said goodbye t'Annabelle after the service. She said that
she was seeking employment through an agency. Ah hope she
finds a job soon.
The Cajun gave me a nice surprise. After a whole week of
being at the mansion, he finally came up t'me with sympathy
in those mesmerizin' glowin' eyes of his, gave me a warm hug,
and said somethin' like, "Remy's real sorry dis happened,
Was that his name? Remy?
Ah was really grateful for that hug, 'cos Lord, ah needed
one that comforted, and his did.
It's been a month since Frances passed away. Ah guess ah'm
back to my old self, but my heart will always be heavy when
ah think of her.
Had a Danger Room trainin' session with Remy today. Remy
LeBeau, t'be exact, hailin' from the Big Easy. Jus' neighbours
from where ah used t'live - that's Mississippi, girl, if ya
haven't forgotten already. It was so...thrillin' and charged
with tension. Ah've tried ta put up walls around me for so
long now...But each time he smiles at me, everythin' just
melts into somethin' warm and fuzzy. Ah'm filled with longin'
and the attraction is drivin' me crazy, but how can ah allow
myself t'get closer ta him, with my powers and all?
But ah love bein' around him. The smell of his unique scent
of tobacco and cologne, his cheerfulness and his sense of
humour. Ah crave the attention that he showers on me.
Ah'm so confused.
Ah want a relationship, but ah'm just not sure if ah'm willin'
t'go all the way with it.
Ah want him and me ta have somethin' goin' strong so much,
but ah'm afraid he'll just leave when he gets tired bein'
denied a touch. Ah've never had much experience of handlin'
relationships, and this scares the heck outta me...
Frances, is he the one?
Is this how love feels like?
Hell, ah ain't sure, so ah can't tell. But ah want t'be near
him all the while and have him all ta myself. Remy LeBeau,
damn ya. Why do y'play these games with me?
Yesterday we were working together on the communications
center together, tryin' ta figure out what Hank had taught
us...We were alone and sittin' so close; he put his arm around
me like there was nothin' more casual and right in the entire
world. My usual reaction would've been t'pull away or t'slap
the guy, but with him, ah didn't mind. In fact, ah liked being
that close t'him.
How shameless could ah be? Haha.
The air-conditionin' was cold in there. Ah complained about
it, and in an instant, he took off his jacket and made me
wear it. Nearly couldn't take the emotions runnin' amok through
my heart. Ah was sure that he could hear my li'l heart thumpin'
away wildly. It took all the self-control ah had not t'kiss
him hard, or to inhale the scent of him deeply and plain obviously.
There we were, shamelessly flirtin' away and talkin' about
everythin' and anythin' that came t'mind. We had so much in
common, including a tendency t'forget our work. Yeah, we didn't
learn much on the com-center that day.
Then Jean called Remy telepathically down to the hangar t'learn
a little about the Blackbird systems and he had t'go. Ah could've
screamed out loud when he grinned at me disarmingly and then
kissed me on the cheek...He must've planned it all
along, 'cos my hair was in the way and prevented any absorption.
My god...Ah had a warm rush of fuzziness engulf me, and ah
had to try so hard not to giggle in front of him!! My goodness.
Just thinkin' about it again has me all dreamy-like now.
It's late now, but ah wish Remy were here in my room t'talk
and joke around, but our dorms are pretty close to the Professor's
quarters and ah don't fancy a midnight naggin' from him...Ah
love Remy's company so much...Can't wait till the morrow comes.
We were absolutely naughty today!
Remy and ah skipped 2 classes in a row and took a nap meanwhiles!
He'd discovered a room way down in the basement called the
Z'noxx chamber; it kinda blocks off any telepathic contact
once you're inside, so we sneaked off together durin' break
and stole into that high-tech room and locked ourselves in
We'd both spent the whole night chatting on the Internet,
not sleepin' much at all and endin' up in an almost zombie-like
state. So what better idea than ta steal some forty-winks
durin' some of the most borin' lessons on earth? We huddled
up in a corner of the room and leaned against each other to
get comfy...Ah'll bet ah was the happiest gal in the world
So while ah was happily sleepin' with the man ah fancied
(in the most platonical sense), the other students were sufferin'
and ah'll bet Jean (not bein' able ta sense us) and Scott
were lookin' for us up and down, but never thought of the
What a joke!
(The last ah'll ever write)
Ah thought he liked me in *that* way. He showed all signs
of interest. Ah just don't understand why he'd haveta do this
t'me...Lead me on and then leave me high and dry. My heart
aches from bein' hurt and rejected this way.
He can't touch me, that's why. It always rounds off t'that.
This whole week, he hasn't been spendin' much time with me.
Ah wondered why, but ah was too shy and unsure of myself t'ask
him anythin'...Too scared of rejection and the usual 'ah only
treat ya as a friend' shit. He went out a lot past 2 weeks,
comin' back pretty late and never askin' me if ah'd want t'go
That's because he had a girlfriend outside, stupid. So ya
gathered up your guts t'go follow the Cajun out secretly,
Sabby. For what? T'see that hot floozy that he had by his
arm, kissin' passionately and actin' like old lovers? A beautiful,
sexy woman that you're nothin' compared t'her but a naive,
Ya stupid, stupid fool. Dreamer. Who'd want a girl like ya
who can't touch anyone wit'out suckin' their brains out or
killin' them? You're not pretty enough? You ain't the model
type of chick? Ah'm bein' myself for cryin' out loud, Remy
LeBeau-and ya stepped all over me! How could you be so shallow?
What was all that flirtin' and affection for, ya bastard?
My anger, hurt and jealousy got the better of me; ah went
on over and hollered at him..."Ya bloody faggot!".
He looked at me as if he'd done nothin' wrong, like nothin'
was ever his fault, that he was not even one tiny bit guilty
for hurtin' me so cruelly.
Oh, Remy...Ah...loved you. How could ya be so insensitive
and so hurtful?
Never mind. So ah was a fool t'dream...Ah was desperate for
love and attention? Maybe.
It's no problem anymore. Ah won't encounter another situation
like this again, Remy.
Because you've taught me how ta stop dreamin' of happy endings
and true love...Thanks.