Well, I wrote this for Lev month, which is over in 40 minutes, but... yeah, whatever. It's X-Girlfriends, I know y'all'll love it.
Disclaimer: All characters property of Marvel Comics, except for the obvious exception, who is the property of Lev. Used w/o permission, blah, blah.
All previous chapters (except 5, because i'm lazy) available at http://bobbysworld.snarkyblue.com/buckshot/xgirls.html.
Support X-Girlfriends! Send me fanart and re-tooled action figures! Or Star Crunch ... I'm easily bribed!

The Super-Uncanny Adventures of Bobby and His Amazing X-Girlfriends
by ValKerrie

Chapter 5 1/2: A Story about Lev for No Particular Reason

They were free.


As in, for no money.

No barter.

There for the taking.

Lev clutched her coupons eagerly.

Lev didn't have a lot of money.

She did have a lot of coupons, of which she made copious use.

But Free didn't require any coupons.

"You want one or not?" the bored teenager sitting next to the box asked, resting her chin in one hand.

"Free, right?" Lev asked.


Lev blinked and stared at the smally, furry creatures squirming in the cardboard crate. She wondered if they were good eating.

"Whatcha up to, Lev?" a voice behind her asked.

She turned to see that Bobby had returned with the cart, just as he'd promised.

Lev had protested that she was quite capable of going to the grocery store by herself, but the girls had insisted she take Bobby with her. On the upside, he had a car. On the downside, he always wanted to push the cart.

"They're free," Lev announced. She leaned closer. "Bobby, what are they? They don't look like a very good meal."

Bobby laughed. "They're kittens, Lev. People don't eat them, and don't say that."

"Well, they're outside a grocery store, what am I supposed to expect? And what's wrong with them? Why are they free? And what are kittens anyway?"

"Come on, Lev," Bobby grinned. "We've got shopping to do. Besides. Zelda would kill me if you came home with a cat."

"But..." Lev protested. "But ... they're free..."

"I want chicken, I want liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver..." Bobby sang to himself, riding the cart, as they cruised past the pet food aisle towards the cereal aisle.

Suddenly, he realized he wasn't being followed.

He backed up slightly, and stuck his head down the previous aisle.

Lev stood, looking overwhelmed, head darting between her handful of coupons and the aisles.

"What are you doing?" Bobby asked.

"There are kittens on the bags!" Lev exclaimed. "See, people do eat them!"

Bobby snorted, trying to hold the laughter in. "No, no. This is cat food. You feed it to a cat. Or kitten."

Lev frowned. "Oh. Why?"

"So the cat doesn't die."

"What does the cat do? I mean, why do you want to keep it alive?"

"Because they're cute and furry."

"That's it?"

"They keep your feet warm at night. I dunno. Never had a kitty."

"Why not? They're free."

"You have to take care of them. Feed 'em, change their litter, that kinda stuff."

"Why do people do it?"

"I have no idea."

"I guess that's why they're free," Lev frowned.

Bobby scratched his head. "Well ... Hank had a puppy once. Puppies are a little different from cats, but the same general idea. Sassy was a good dog."

Lev blinked.

"I miss that little pooch," Bobby sighed, before shaking off his nostalgia. "Well, ready to go?"

Lev played with a strand of hair. "Bobby, if I use my coupons, I have enough left over money to buy a bag of kitty food. And since the kitty comes free..."

"You need other stuff, too," Bobby pointed out. "Litter box. Litter. Collar. Toys. Shots..." He trailed off, realizing that Lev was staring at the crumpled coupons in her hand rather forlornly.

"Oh. That sounds expensive. Never mind, then."

"But, um, I need some cat litter. Just a little. So, um, if I bought a bag, and used a little bit, you could have the rest. Just to take it off my hands, right?"

Lev blinked.

"And since you're doing me a favor, I'll get ya a litter box, too. The other stuff isn't so important. Cats'll play with anything ... and you can use a piece of ribbon or something for the collar..."

Lev felt her cheeks flushing pink. "You mean it? What do you need cat litter for?"

Bobby cringed. What on earth did people use cat litter for besides cats? "It's, um, absorbent. Better'n paper towels."

Slowly, Lev began to smile.

"Are you gonna take one or not, lady?" the teenager asked, examining her nails.

"Which one's the best?" Lev asked, staring intently into the box.

"I dunno. Mom said I had to get rid of all of them. Want more than one?"

"No. I just want one. To try. Bobby, which one's best?"

Bobby grinned. "Which one do you like?"

"I don't know!"

"You can pick 'em up and play with 'em if you want," the girl offered, perking up slightly at the option of relieving herself of one of the cats.

Lev looked at Bobby, who nodded slightly. She cautiously extended on hand into the box, where one kitten promptly swatted at it, and another rubbed itself up against her palm. Lev gasped. "They're so warm and squirmy!"

Bobby knelt down next to the box, and patted one of kittens. "What do you think, Lev? This one has white paws ... this one's really playful..." Bobby scooped up one kitten, which glared at him maliciously, for removing it from its box full of playmates. He held it up, rubbing its head with one finger.

"You're a nice kitty, aren't you?" he asked it, as though he expected it to answer.

You're a stupid human, aren't you? the cat glared back at Bobby.

Bobby chuckled. "I don't think this one likes me too much."

He started to put it back in the box, when Lev grabbed his arm. "Look, Bobby, it's got yellow eyes!"

"Well, sure. Lots of cats have yellow eyes."

"Like me! It's got yellow eyes like me!"

The teenager glanced up, and made a face when she realized that Lev did, indeed, have yellow eyes.

"I haven't met a single other person since I got here who had yellow eyes! But the cat does!"

"You want this one, huh?" Bobby asked, holding the kitten out towards Lev.

Lev swallowed, and took the tiny ball of fur from Bobby's hands. It cocked its head, looking up at the alien girl.

She could really hold a kitten, not like her big, stupid male, the kitten decided. And she had yellow eyes. And she seemed a lot nicer than the other human female that put them all in the box and took them away from their mother.

"Do you want to be my kitten?" Lev asked.

"Mew," the kitten agreed amiably. As long as the other girl is willing to take your big, stupid male for trade, it's just fine with me.

"You and that cat sure seemed to hit it off," Bobby commented, glancing at the sleeping kitten in Lev's nap. "You must have good cat chemistry."

"It's because I have yellow eyes, too," Lev remarked.

Bobby grinned. "Whatever it is, I'm glad. What are you going to name it?"

Lev blinked. "What?"

"Aren't you going to give it a name?"

"A name? But only people have names. Well, places have names, too."

"And so do cats."

"Oh. Well, didn't it come with a name?"

"Nope. You get to pick."

"How can I pick a name for it? You can't just ... just name something."

"Sure, you can. We humans do it all the time. I mean, someone named you Lev, right?"

"It was the name I came with."

"But someone had to have made it up."

Lev scowled. "Come on, Mr. Smarty Pants. I've always been Lev. Did someone just 'make up' your name?"

"Yeah. My parents."

Lev blinked. "They did?"

"Yup. Well, technically, they didn't make up the name, but they chose it for me. They said, let's call him Robert L. Drake, after his great uncle. And they did."

"Your name is Robert L. Drake?"

"You knew that."

"Your name is Bobby."

"Bobby Drake. Drake is my family name."

"Yes. Bobby Drake."

"Bobby's short for Robert. It's a nickname."

"Short for Robert L.?"

"No, just short for Robert. The L is the first letter of my middle name."

"What's your middle name?"

"Don't ask."

"Is it Lev?"

"No, it's not Lev. Why would it be Lev?"

"My name's Lev."

"I know it is."

"Your name could be Lev, too."

"It's not."

"I don't believe you."

Bobby mumbled something.

"What was that?"

"I said, it's Linus, okay? Robert Linus Drake. Happy?"

Lev shrugged. "It could have been Lev. Do all humans have three names?"

"A lot do. Some have more. Some have less. Most Americans have at least two."

"No one I know has two names."

"Sure, they do. Everyone you live with does. Well, except Cloud."


"Yes. Zelda Lincoln, Marge Smith, Opal Tanaka ... see, two names?"

Lev frowned. "I don't have two names."

"They don't do that on your planet. You don't have families, so it doesn't make sense to have a family name."

"I want one."

"Then make one up."

"I can't! I can't even think of a name for the cat! How can I come up with a name for me?"

"You'll think of something, I'm sure."

"I'm home!" Lev called, cradling her kitten in one arm, and holding a bag of groceries in the other. Bobby was behind her, carrying four more bags of groceries.

"Did you get my hair elix-- what is that?" Marge demanded, squinting at the small bundle of fur.

"Blert!" the kitten replied.

Marge blinked. "It's a cat."

"Hey, did you get my WD-40?" Zelda hollered from some other part of the apartment.

"She got a cat!" Marge replied.

Cloud popped out of the kitchen. "A kitty? Lev got a kitty?"

"I got a kitty!" Lev replied happily.

The cat snuggled down in her arms, enjoying the sudden attention. This place was full of wonderful females.

"What?" Zelda called. "She got a cactus?"

"A cat!" Cloud yelled back.

Somehow, Zelda managed to suddenly appear in the room without covering any of the space between there and here. Bobby was amazed.

"A cat?"

"See?" Lev offered, putting down her groceries and extending her kitten for inspection.

"We can't have a cat here!" Zelda sighed, wiping her greasy hands on her jeans. "Good job, Drake."

Lev blinked. "Why not?"

"Who's gonna take care of it?"


"You are."


"Have you ever taken care of anything in your life?"

Lev frowned. "Well ... no."

"Cats are hard work! And I don't wanna get stuck cleaning litter boxes for the next sixteen years."

"I can take care of it," Lev replied. "I'll figure it out."

"And ... I'll help," Bobby added with a shrug. "No problem."

Zelda gave him a Look.

Bobby tried to look innocent. It didn't work too well.

Zelda grabbed his arm and hauled him out into the hallway.

"Drake, I've seen you do a lot of stupid things--"

"Most of which I still blame on the strange chemicals in Bernard's coffee..."

"I'm not talking about that! Look, I know you like Lev, and I know you want to come off as a big sweetie and you are a big sweetie, but are you sure this is a good idea? Sometimes I don't think Lev even understands the concept of life. I mean, she's my best friend, but there's a lot of stuff she ... just doesn't get. What if something ... happens to the cat."

Bobby frowned. "Maybe she doesn't get stuff. But she really wants to learn. She wants to be human, she just doesn't know how. And I think this is gonna help a whole lot. Besides, Zel ... you didn't have to look at her face when she was looking at the cat food."

Zelda smiled wearily and placed one hand on Bobby's shoulder. "You big softie..."

"Yeah, I won't tell if you won't."

Opal walked into the apartment, and glanced around the living room.

She sniffed.

She ran a finger down the edge of the couch, then examined the short hair that came away on her fingertip.

Cloud stuck her head out the kitchen, squinting at her insane roommate.

"There is a cat in this apartment," Opal announced.

"No cats here!" Zelda announced from the kitchen in her best Mexican accent.

"There is a cat in here and I can smell it! I'm a-- a-- a-CHOO!"

"Oh, you are not," Marge replied.

"Well, I don't like them! Where is it?"

"Use your fine deductive reasoning skills," Zelda suggested.

Opal blinked, and walked into the kitchen.

And was promptly horrified by the sight which greeted her.

A tiny brown-and-black-striped kitten sat on the kitchen table, a huge blue bow around its neck, with a smaller ribbon on its tail. It seemed intrigued by the bowl on anchovies in front of it, having already finished the saucer of milk.

And Marge, Cloud, Zelda and Lev sat around the table, clearly in love.

"Those are SO my anchovies!"

"And we found a wonderful way to get rid of them!" Zelda replied, reaching out to pet the cat, who purred in happy response, nuzzling Zel's hand.

"That THING is eating my anchovies! You guys know I hate cats! You did this because you hate me!"

"Kittens are for love and never hate," Marge announced with as straight a face as she could manage.

"I'm sorry, Opal," Lev apologized, not really meaning it. "It's my kitten. The other girls had nothing to do with it."

"Well, you're getting rid of it!"

Suddenly, Opal found herself the subject of the intense scrutiny of a pair of yellow eyes that didn't belong to Lev.

The kitten eyed the newcomer. If it had thought the big male was stupid, this one blew him out of the water.

Opal narrowed her eyes, trying to return the glare.

The kitten decided it was bored, and began to groom its paws.

Opal twitched.

"It's my kitten and I'm keeping it," Lev announced. The kitten lost interest in its paw, and jumped into Lev's lap, shoving its head into her stomach until Lev scratched its ears.

"Well, don't feed it any more of my anchovies!" Opal burst out, stomping out of the room.

There was a slight pause. "Um, we already got rid of 'em all, right?"

"Right. Hey, do you think it would eat her Jan Michel Vincent poster? Or maybe a pair of pants or two?"

"Leave my kitten alone!"

Lev pulled her Shone's Lumber t-shirt over her head and stretched.

The kitten looked up at her and blinked.

"I don't think kittens wear nightshirts," Lev informed her cat matter-of-factly.

The kitten cocked its head.

Lev picked up the tiny cat, and placed it in the shallow cardboard box they had found for it. Cloud had scrounged up an old blanket, so it was rather comfy.

The kitten stood up and walked out of the box.

Lev frowned.

She picked up the kitten and placed it back in the box.

The kitten walked out again.

Lev put her hand on her hips.

Yellow eyes met yellow eyes.

The kitten walked over to Lev's bed, and pawed at the bedspread tentatively.

"That's my bed. Your bed is over there."

The kitten Glared at her.

Lev put the kitten in the box.

The kitten walked out of the box.

Yawning, Zelda wandered into the room, wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the words "Coffee-a-Go-Go" stenciled in red across the front.

"The cat won't stay in the box," Lev announced.

"I wouldn't stay in that box, either," Zelda replied, hurling herself onto her bed.

Lev picked the kitten up and put it in the box.

The kitten walked out of the box.

Lev frowned.

Zelda snored.

Lev stamped her foot.

The kitten sat on the carpet and stared at her.

Lev put the kitten in the box.

You can guess what happened next.


Bobby stretched as he stumbled to the door. Fortunately, he hadn't been asleep, only watching Conan. O'Brian, not the Barbarian.

He wasn't all that surprised to see Lev standing in his doorway, the little kitten happily snuggled in the crook of her arm.

"It won't stay in the box," Lev announced matter-of-factly.

"You aren't wearing any pants," Bobby replied, just as matter-of-factly.

Lev blinked. "I'm in my nightshirt. Now, how do I make the kitten stay in the box?"

Bobby blinked. He wasn't sure he could make it past the pants business.

"MEW!" the kitten announced.

"Good kitty," Bobby managed. "Um, what does it do?"

"It gets out of the box. Maybe you could put it in the box."

"Um ... okay."

Bobby followed Lev across the hall, through the darkened apartment, into the room that Lev and Zelda shared. Though the light was still on, Zel was snoring rather loudly.

Lev put the kitten in the box.

The kitten gave Bobby a look, as if to say Do you have to put up with this? And promptly exited the box.

"See?" Lev frowned, as the kitten walked over to the bed again, and began to bat at the covers.

Bobby grinned. "Gee, Lev, it's pretty obvious. It wants to sleep in the people bed."

Lev's eyes widened. "But I can't fit in the box!"

Bobby chuckled. "In the people bed with you."

Lev nodded. "Is that okay?"

"Sure." He picked up the kitten, and boosted it up to bed level.

The kitten looked at him, thinking Okay, so maybe you do have your uses...

"Lucky cat," Bobby murmured.

"Thank you, Bobby," Lev replied, crawling into bed. "Good night."

"Er ... night, Lev."

There was a silence.

A long silence.

A silence that should have been full of snoring.

"If you two are going to do anything illicit, just get it over with already," Zelda announced crabbily from under her mound of covers.

Bobby went home.

Zelda smiled as she wandered in the kitchen the next morning to find her normal cooking-impaired roommate attempting to fry bacon. With her own flame powers.

"MEW!" Zelda's other, furrier roommate announced.

"Whoops!" Lev announced dramatically, tossing a piece of bacon on the floor.

"If that's bacon, I want some," Zelda announced, rooting through the freezer.

Lev jumped, jolted back into human form. "Er ... I ...was ... er..."

"Cooking bacon for your cat. You hook me up, the other girls never have to know. I didn't know you could cook things with your powers."

Lev blushed, pulling a few plates out of the cupboard. "I didn't know, either. On my planet, robots did everything for us. I had the absolute worst model ... rusty little beast. At least I had my own, though ... most Dualers didn't. Do you want some eggs, too?"

"Sure," Zelda replied, pulling out the carton. "Robots, huh? You don't talk about your planet much, but it sounds like a pretty cool place."

Lev grimaced. "No. Not really." She looked down at the kitten on the floor. "There aren't any kittens there."

Zelda chuckled. "That hardly makes a place not worth living there."

Lev fidgeted with the egg carton. "It was the principle. My people wouldn't understand having a kitten. They frown upon affection. It's science and logic and 'fight the Rejects' and 'laugh at the Dualers.' There's no friends or novels with pink covers or love or touching or kittens curling up next to your feet in the middle of the night. I didn't realize those things were important... and if I'd come here when I was younger, I probably would hate this place. But... " Lev trailed off at the intrigued look in her friend's eyes, suddenly self-conscious. "Oh, never mind. It's silly."

Zelda looked up hesitantly. "Levvy, I know I make it a policy not to ever ask, but ... dammit, what happened between you and Bobby?"

Lev started, dropping bacon on the floor, much to the kitten's delight. "What does he have to do with anything?"

"Oh, please! Lev!"

"I ... he ... er ... oh..."


I love you, Opal, Lev thought to herself.

Opal stormed into the kitchen, brandishing something shiny and purple.

"Look what that ... that THING did to my rave pants!"

"You have rave pants?" Zelda asked, raising one eyebrow.

"Look at them! Little monster sharpened its claws all over--"

"At least you weren't in them," Lev pointed out.

"Opal ... in purple polyurethane pants ... forget the bacon, Lev, I think I lost my appetite."

Opal was turning steadily purpler. "I LOVED those pants!"

"I'm sure my kitty is sorry, Opal. You can have a pair of my pants, if you want."

Zelda blinked. Lev never offered to make amends. Not unsarcastically, anyway.

Opal blinked, obviously in shock as well. "Even the yellow ones with the built-in boots?"

"The ones from my home planet? Sure," Lev smiled. "I don't really like those anymore, anyway."

"Wow! Thanks, Lev!" Opal then bent over and wagged a finger at the kitten, who was casually licking one paw. "But you're still a naughty kitty!"

Zelda leaned over towards the floor as Opal pranced out of the room. "Go after those boot-pants next," she hissed to the kitten.

"Scrambled or fried?" Lev asked, grabbing a frying pan and beginning to power up."

"Lev... before Opal came in..."

"Oh, don't worry about that! I think I want scrambled."

"You should talk to him, Lev."

"What's that stuff you like in these? Tasmacko sauce?"

"Tabasco. And you should."

"I bet you like Tasmacko sauce, too, don't you?"


"Hello?" Bobby called cautiously, sticking his head into the girls' apartment.

"We're in here, Popsicle!" Zelda called from the kitchen.

Bobby wandered in, where Zelda, Lev and the kitten were finishing up breakfast.

"What's up?" Zelda asked, slipping the crust of her toast to the kitten.

"Well, me and Lev have an errand to run this morning," Bobby replied casually.

"We do?" Lev replied.

"Me, you and the furball. Someone needs a license!"

Lev looked confused.

The kitten looked horrified.

Zelda just grabbed for more eggs.

"Hey, Rachel!" a cheery voice rang out through the Port Jefferson Animal Hospital.

Rachel Morgan, the receptionist, looked up, and smiled at one her oldest elementary school buddies.

"Hey, Bobby! I'd heard you moved back to town, but I haven't seen you in ages, huh?"

"Nope," Bobby replied, leaning up against the counter.

"So what brings you to the animal hospital?"

"Well, we have a new addition here, who needs a license," Bobby grinned.

Lev sat the kitten up on the counter.

"Oh, how cute!" Rachel cooed, pulling out the paperwork. "Okay, kitten, about six weeks, color, brown with black stripes, gender..." Rachel picked up the kitten and did a quick check, "female. What's her name?"

Bobby looked at Lev. "Come up with something, yet?"

"Dave Foley," Lev announced, proudly.

Rachel blinked. "Dave?"

"Dave Foley," Lev reinforced.

"Like from 'Kids in the Hall,'" Bobby added, trying not to giggle, and not succeeding very well.

"But ... it's a girl," Rachel protested.

"Is that a problem?" Lev asked. "I had a very hard time coming up with a name."

Bobby gave Rachel a Look.

"Er, of course not. No problem. Dave Foley it is. Now, your name?"


Rachel blinked. "Lev, what?"

"Lev. That's my name."

"And your last name?"

"She has--" Bobby started to explain frantically.



"Drake," Lev replied.

Rachel glanced back and forth between the two of them. "You mean--?"

"No relation," Lev smiled sweetly.

"You look so pretty," Lev cooed, playing with the little mouse-shaped ID tag hanging from Dave's ribbon, as Bobby drove home. "Bobby?" she asked suddenly.


"You aren't mad about the name thing, are you?"

"No, of course not. Mildly confused, but not mad."

"Good. I was worried."

Bobby scratched his head. "Lev?"


"Why Drake?"

"It's your name."

"Well, yes, I know, but why did you pick it?"

"It seemed like a good one," she said quietly. "Bobby? Do you remember what you told me the other day? About your second name being your family name?"

"Yeah," Bobby answered softly.

"Well, I haven't got one, and as far as I know, neither do any of the other girls, so I thought I'd borrow yours."

Bobby chuckled. "Zel's got a family. Opal's got a family, too, even if it is filled with psychos and gangsters and cyborgs."

"Oh. I guess I probably should have borrowed Zelda's name, then."

"No, that's okay. I don't mind. Lev Lincoln is a horrible name. Lev Drake sounds much better."

"Thanks," Lev replied, blushing slightly, and patting her kitten. "Bobby, do you remember anything about my planet?"

Bobby blinked, surprised at this sudden change of subject. "Not much, really. And what little I do remember is so smeared together that I think I kinda dismissed it as a dream. I remember going to your planet ... and going home from your planet ... but not much in the middle."

"Oh. Do you remember Rask? He tried to kill you."

"I remember a lot of people trying to kill me. And big Space God things that Scott and Jean took care of."

"Do you remember fighting in the Arena?"

"Nope. Warren mentioned it, but I really don't recall."

"Do you remember Seera? She had pink hair and was Perfect and tried to get Warren to--"

"Come to think of it, I do remember the party. There was some kind of odd alcoholic stuff that Scott drank too much of and Jean hit him ... and I remember Hank talking to a pink-haired girl ... and another girl with ... blonde ... You were there! I do remember you!"

Bobby beamed, proud of himself, when, suddenly, his face fell. "I forgot all the important things, didn't I?"

"It's okay," Lev said, patting her kitten. "I think right now is much more important, anyway."

"Yeah?" Bobby asked, glancing over at her, a small smile on his face.

"Sure. I didn't have a kitty then, now did I?"

"MEW!" Dave Foley agreed happily.

Bobby chuckled. "No. No, you didn't."

He grinned at her.

She grinned back at him.

And for a brief moment, they shared Something.

Being Bobby and Lev, they had no clue what that Something was.

Silly humans, Dave Foley thought to herself, snuggling down in Lev's lap. Oh, well. They'll figure it out eventually. They always do.

continued >>

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