SUMMARY: Gossip, plain and simple. A Mook homage.
WARNING: Casual language and homoerotic implications. And a mallet.
NOTES: All things Bobby/Remy warrant a nod in KJ's direction.
DATE: January, 2000.

by Alestar

In all fairness, nobody actually saw anything.

The story would be told in these halls again and again, in low conspiratory tones; it would become the stuff of legends. Yet, still, there was no denying that there may very well have been a possible, reasonable, platonic explanation for what Jubilee saw.

"Several, in fact."

Jubilee heaves an exasperated sigh across the kitchen table and raises an eyebrow. "Oh, come on, Paige," she says. "They were RUMPLED."

Paige shakes her head. "They were excercisin'. They were in the Danger Room, after all."

Jubilee leers. "Oh, yeah, they were gettin' excercise, all right..." She chuckles as the other girl ducks her blond head and looks around. "Jubilee!" Paige reprimands in a hushed voice, "Mind y'self! These're X-Men ya talkin' about! Yuh superiors!"

The dark-haired girl smiles wolfishly. "Aw, don't get yer panties in a wad, Paige. It's not like I'm accusin' them of secretly buryin' a dead body ... I'm accusin' them of secretly buryin' their--"


She simply shrugs. "Well, they were."

Paige shakes her head again. She rises and moves to the kitchen door, looking around once more. Content that there's no one in the immediate vicinty besides herself and her friend, she closes the door and takes her seat. "Alright. Ah'm sure there's some other explanation, Jubilee. Tell me again what ya saw."

Jubilee nods enthusiastically, and tells the story again.

"Okay. I was bladin' around the lower levels, y'know, fer old times sake, just skatin' around ... and I was comin' around the corner to the entrance to the Danger Room, and I was buildin' up some real good speed until, bam, I got knocked flat on my ass. I looked up, and there was the Cajun, lookin' startled and, and weird."


"Yeah. Like, dazed. Not real sure he'd been run into. But, anyway, he's lookin' kinda strange, so I ask him if he's okay-- like he's the one lyin' in the floor and not me -- and that gets his attention. He's all, 'Eh, mais oui ... sorry, petite. Guess I wasn' lookin' where I was goin'.' And then he looks over his shoulder at somethin', and I notice that the Icicle's there, too, lookin' way flustered."

"Aw, pfft. 'Flustered.' Yuh just addin' this stuff in..."

"No, man, I swear to GOD. He and Gambit looked at each other, and his mouth kept openin' and closin' like he thought about sayin' something but didn't manage it ... then he just kinda shrugged and looked at me and laughed strange. He was flustered. He said, 'Heeey, Jubes. You gotta be careful skating around here these days, you never know when a Cajun will pop up.' And then Gambit snorted, and Bobby's eyes got wide and he went red--"


"He friggin' blushed, okay? I'm not lyin'. He blushed."

"Okay. What happened next?"

"Well, Gambit gave me a hand onto my feet, and then I really got a look at the two. And, man..."


"Man ... they were rumpled."


"Rumpled. Clothes -- like, civilian clothes-- all half-done up and in the wrong places, hair all over the place and wild."

"They probably just--"

"So, anyway, Gambit helps me up and he says, 'Bobby--' He called him 'Bobby', okay? Not 'Drake' or 'Iceman' or 'Icecube' or 'that guy over there'. 'Bobby'. He says, with swollen and kiss-bruised lips--"


"Anyway, he said, 'Bobby's right, petite, y'should be careful. Y'alright?' And I said, yeah, I was, and he said good. I asked them, I said, "What're you guys doin' down here?" and Bobby looked at Gambit, but Gambit just raised an eyebrow at him. Bobby blushed again and turned to me and said, 'Us? We're just, uh, getting in some extra practice.' And Gambit snorted again. And Bobby glared at him."

Paige laughs. Jubilee smiles and says, "Yeah, that's cute, isn't it?" Catching herself, Paige shakes her head. "No, it's not. Now, go on." Jubilee rolls her eyes.

"Okay, so, Bobby's all red and Gambit's smiling this enigmatic--"


"Yeah, shut up. Gambit's smiling this smile, and I do his eyebrow thingy, all disbelieving, and he says, 'Don' worry 'bout it. Jus' look before y'leap next time, 'kay, petite? You too, Bobby.' And he walks off. Bobby just kinda stands there, watchin' him go, and then he makes to follow him and then, like, changes his mind and walks off in the opposite direction. And I bladed up here fast as I could."

"That's it?"

"What?? Is that it!? Man, for there to be anymore, I'da had to walk in on them while they were--"

"Jubilee, Ah honestly don't see how ya get ... that ... from what ya saw. What ya saw, obviously, is ... Gambit and Iceman were hangin' out, maybe Gambit was fixin' t'go out on the town, and then they decided to -- like he said -- t'get in some extra practice."


"No, now listen. Iceman's sittin' in the den, watchin' TV. Gambit, on his way out the door, makes some snide comment about how Iceman's spendin' his evenin', and Iceman gets defensive. He says, 'I can hold my own, Cajun.'"

"That's actually sounds more like Wolvie..."

"Okay, well, what would Iceman say?"

"Y'mean besides, 'Yo, Remy, wanna fuck?'"


"Besides that?"

Paige nods, blushing. "Yes, hoodlum. Besides that."

Jubilee shrugs. "I dunno. He wouldn't. Bobby's doesn't get defensive. It's not his style."

"Well, then, why were they sparrin'?"

"Um ... they weren't...?"

"Oh, shut up. He was feelin' his grits for whatever reason tonight, and he said, 'I can hold my own, Cajun.' And Gambit said, 'Oh, yeah?' and Iceman said, 'Yeah.'"

Jubilee rolls her eyes. Paige ignores her.

"So they go down to the Danger Room so Iceman can prove it. And so they're fightin'. And, and there's this thing, like a club, in the corner."

"A club?"

"Yeah. Like a mallet."

"A mallet??"

"Oh, I don't know. Whatever. Some weapony thing that's off-limits in the fight."


"So, they're fightin'. And Iceman's doin' good, until Gambit -- what did he say? -- Gambit pops up. Like, up, behind him. And Iceman's caught off-guard and so, on instinct, he reaches for the mallet and whops Gambit with it. Hard enough to jar his clothes and ruffle his hair. And so Gambit's dazed, and Iceman's embarassed 'cause he used the mallet. See?"

Jubilee merely blinks. Twice.

Paige continues. "'Look before y'leap next time', see? And, well ... Gambit's always enigmatic."

"Yeah, but Paige?"


"His knees aren't always dusty. If ya know what I mean."

"I don't ... oh! But that could just be from the fight, yuh know, in the Danger Room. He got knocked to his knees."

"Right. When Bobby whacked 'im with the mallet."


"Uh huh."

"Oh, come on, Jubilee! Yuh gotta admit that it's possible!"

"Alright, country mouse, but if I do that, you gotta admit that it's possible that Remy and Bobby were doin' the nasty."

"Well, okay. It's possible."

"Uh huh. Now ... of th'two possibilities, which is more ... aesthetically pleasin'?

"Aesthetically pleasing?"

"Yeah. Just ... picture in yer mind, okay? Ya got two nice, pretty guys in a room ... they're rollin' around, gruntin' and grimacin' ... and -- through some gift from the god of dumb rationalizations -- they're fightin'. In another room, the same two guys're there, rollin' around, gruntin' and grimacin' ... and they're goin' at it like hot weasels. Now, which keyhole are you gonna be peerin' through?"

"...Good point."

Jubilee nods succintly. "Absolutley. It's settled then."

"I guess so..." Paige murmurs, warming to the idea. "Hot weasels..."

"Yeah, man," Jubilee sighs, mirroring the dreamy look in Paige's eyes. "Just imagine how--"

Jubilee cuts off as the door opens and the subject of their conversation walks in. Bobby stops short, seeing the two girls at the kitchen table -- one smirking, the other blushing furiously, both staring at him. He clears his throat.

"Um ... hi."

Jubilee's smile widens. "Hey there, weasel."

Paige explodes in laughter, with a guilty hand over her mouth, and Bobby takes a step back. He regards the girls suspiciously for a moment, and then -- carefully, behind his back -- pulls out a kitchen drawer and drops something in. Shutting it slowly, he backs out of the kitchen, never turning his back on the spectators and their peculiar knowing smiles. "Um..."

Jubilee waits a cautious time after he disappears out the door and then bolts for the drawer.

"What is it?" asks Paige excitedly as Jubilee peers inside. "What is it??"

Jubilee doesn't answer.


Jubilee looks up at her, eyes wide. She holds up the object. "It's. It's a mallet."


The girls lapse into silence for a long moment.

"Well," Paige begins. "It could be a mallet of love..." and Jubilee nods sagely in agreement.

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