**Mice's "God...er, Dog" Disclaimer**
Mice is in no way associated with the Marvel Comics Group. The characters
of Bobby Drake, Hank McCoy and Jubilee, belong to the Marvel Comics
Group. Keith and Danny Partridge are property of ... uh, that guy
who did Bewitched and I Dream of Jeannie, I think. Holland,
Jacob, Bert, Cliff, Hollis, Annie, Gary, Gene, and Nan are of my own
mind. If you want to e-mail her comments or if you'd like to archive
this series, do it at email@example.com.
You'll get some brownies out of the deal, but it's not really that
great of a reward because she can't cook.
I am pleased to announce that in this chapter, there is a guest cameo
by a fictive/diety who shook the fan fic world like Ricky Martin's
hips (who, I hear, are referred to as Wink-Wink and Nudge-Nudge. Small
world.) So, I'd like to thank Poi Lass and Kaylee for getting me in
contact with the Big Guy, and the Big Guy himself for taking a chance
on an unknown kid and her story.
God ... er, Dog
Bobby Drake shifted his weight in his white altar boy robe. He was
standing next to some of his friends, Danny and Keith Partridge, who
were outfitted in similar robes, but the difference between them was
that Bobby had on a yarmulke and he was an adult and while they were
And they were Partridges.
Father Houlihan turned to Bobby and said in a kind, soft, Irish
voice. "Please, son, lead us in the Lord's Prayer."
Bobby nervously looked out to the pews were filled with people he
didn't know and were stretched out to what seemed to be eternity.
"Uhm ... Our Father ...who art in heaven ... uhm ... mellow be
"Say it right, my son."
"I'm trying! It's just been a while..."
"I haven't been to church in about five years--"
"Five? My son, drop and give me twenty."
"But I don't remember the prayer--"
Father Houlihan smiled and patted Bobby on the head, and said in
the same, sweet, soft Irish brogue, "Shut up, my son. You don't
want to upset God anymore than you have already, do you? Now, the
twenty Hail Marys."
Bobby dropped to his knees and Father Houlihan carefully placed
a rosary in hands that had not felt one in much longer than five years.
Bobby closed his eyes and thought of a little prayer himself before
starting. "Hail Mary ... uhm ... Hail Mary ... Hail Mary..."
Father Houlihan closed his eyes in disappointment. Bobby looked
at Keith and Danny who were leaving him to go back on the bus. He
looked at the giant cross with Jesus hung there, who began to laugh
at him in a way that reminded him of Gilbert Godfrey.
"Oh, God, I am so sorry..." Bobby looked out to the pews
again and saw only a big guy seated. "I'm sorry."
"YOU HAVE ALREADY SAID THAT."
Bobby closed his eyes, wishing the scene away. When he opened them,
it was only him and the big guy. "Uhm..."
"PLEASE DON'T SAY YOU ARE SORRY AGAIN."
Bobby bit his lip nervously. "Uhm ... nice sweater."
He beamed. The sweater was a beautiful shade of smoke blue and had
a giant, golden 'G' embroidered on the upper left corner. He was especially
proud because he had knitted it himself. "THANK YOU."
"What does the 'G' stand for?"
Bobby snorted. "Well, someone has a high opinion of himself..."
"WELL, ON MY RESUME, IT SAYS 'UNIVERSE MADE IN SIX DAYS', WHAT
DOES IT SAY ON YOURS?"
Bobby narrowed his eyes. "You mean you're actually..."
God touched his nose. Bobby searched for something to say. "You
have really white teeth."
"MIX A LITTLE PEROXIDE WITH SOME WATER, GARGLE, THEN SPIT.
"Your sandals are pretty nice, too ... Birkenstocks?"
"NO, I GOT THESE FROM K-MART; BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL."
Bobby nodded. "Well ... God, why are you here?"
God smiled again. "I CAME TO GIVE YOU THE GUIDANCE THAT YOU
"You mean that you've come to help me?" Bobby said excitedly.
God shook his head. "I WAS, BUT UNFORTUNATELY, ROBERT, WE'VE
TOOK UP ALL THE TIME I HAD. I HAVE OTHER PLACES TO BE."
"What?!" Bobby flustered. "You can't ditch me to
be on some tortilla in Texas!"
"YOU HAVE GOT IT WRONG, THAT IS NOT MY DOING. THE CHERUBIN
GET ANTSY SOMETIMES AND DECIDE TO PUT THE FACE OF VARIOUS RELIGIOUS
FIGURES. I PUT A STOP FROM THEM USING JESUS AND ELVIS'S LIKENESS,
HOWEVER, THEY TRICKED ME INTO LETTING THEM USE THE LIKENESS OF THE
MADONNA ... I THOUGHT THEY MEANT THE MATERIAL GIRL." God frowned
just thinking about it. God did not like being outsmarted.
"But you haven't helped me at all!"
"HAVEN'T, I, ROBERT?" God winked and patted Bobby on the
head. Then, a car pulled up to the pew. "MY RIDE IS HERE."
God got in, and before he sped away, he turned his head to Bobby and
spoke one last time. "JUST REMEMBER, WHAT WE SEE INITIALLY ISN'T
WHAT IS ACTUALLY THERE."
Bobby's body jerked as he woke up, struggling to remember what happened,
but the only thing that remained from dream to awake was, "God
has a REALLY nice car..."
"Blue!!" Gilberto raced to the screen door where a medium-sized
beagle was sniffing and whining to be let in. "Blue!"
Jacob raced over to his grandson, "Get back here, I need to
put a shirt on you...!"
Jacob looked up to see a man putting a choke chain back on the dog.
"Are you Gary?"
Gary smiled. "I hope you don't mind if I brought the dog; Little
G here loves her."
Jacob nodded wearily. "I don't think my mother would mind."
Gilberto clapped his hands as the dog made her way in and began
to lick his face. "Blue!"
Jacob drummed his hands against his slacks, slacks that were identical
to Gary's. In fact, Gary looked like he just walked out of the Gap.
"Uhm..." Jacob stammered. "I hope this doesn't sound
too horribly ignorant, but, uh ... I was expecting someone more ...
"Someone with a lisp like Liza and clothes like Bette Midler?"
"It's just that Cliff said you were a hairdresser--"
"So where's my pink Cadillac? Where's my Brittney Spears' midriff?"
Gary began to chuckle. "I do hair, that's where the stereotype
ends for me."
Jacob blushed. "I'm sorry."
"Just wait until tonight, you'll see. There's Raquie's lavender
Rambler and Harry's rendition of 'Wake Me Up Before You Go Go'..."
Jacob felt his heart skip. "Excuse me?"
"Cliff always wanted that song played if he ever ... you know.
I tried to talk him out of it, because I always thought it was an
okay song at best, and for that to be the song to send him off?"
Gary shuddered. "Favorite song or not ... I mean, I think Ricky
Martin is hot, and I love that 'Cup of Life' song, but ... I'm off
It was Jacob's turn to chuckle. "Don't worry about it, Gary.
Cliff just wanted us to be happy, right?"
Gary nodded. "However, the only way I can be happy is just
imagining that he's not really gone yet; that he's just got a part
on a movie, and he'll be back from location any day ... delusional,
yes, but ... it's a lot better than actually letting go." Gary
smiled again, though his eyes were wet. "When we made out those
wills, it was just a precaution in case we got HIV, which we never
thought we would, but after a friend of ours, Edie, passed on, we
thought better safe than sorry." He let out a snort and continued
to grin. "Stupid phrase. I feel more sorry than safe, right now."
I am quite surprised nobody gave me the third degree last night.
I thought that Bobby, at least, for sure would have some words with
me, but not one ill word and he even said he liked my new look.
What in the hell is that little prick up to?
He has always said that I had too soft of a spot for my mother,
but how can I feel any different about her? I don't care if she did
leave us, she's my mother, and that's more than enough.
Besides, what would Bobby know? Nobody's left him. God forbid Uncle
William or Aunt Maddie would do anything to upset their little one
and only. Bobby was always such a spoiled brat. When we were kids,
if he sneezed, Aunt Maddie would rush him inside and make him some
chicken soup from scratch. If he wanted a tree house, Uncle William
would be out that weekend building him one.
Not that I'm complaining that my parents were mean -- they taught
us different values, like how to be self-reliant. If I got the sniffles,
Mom used to tell me that I knew where the medicine was. If I wanted
a sandwich, I didn't have to wait for her to make me one and have
her cut off the edges, I did it myself.
And if we wanted a damn tree house, Dad sent us over to Bobby's.
"Hello in there!"
Jacob Bass turned to the screen. "I swear, more people have
been through that door in the past three days than the past three
Gary's face brightened and his present smile grew a little more.
A short man in a brown fedora smiled from behind the screen. "At
least one of us knows who I am. I'd hug you, but you have yet to let
Gary rushed over and opened the door, and the two men hugged. "I
didn't want to leave you outnumbered here ... has the, uh..."
The man whistled a few times and crossed his eyes. "Awoke yet?"
Gary turned to Jacob. "Holland up and about?"
Jacob shook his head. "She left to go see her mother."
"The shiksa returned?"
Gary nodded. "And she's something else, let me tell you."
"You met my wife?"
"Not really. She and Holland came into my shop yesterday, but
your wife left before we could meet."
Jacob let out a soft grunt. "Did she look good?"
"She's from old money, isn't she?" Jacob softly nodded
his head. "Yes. Her family has a ranch..." Jacob shook his
head and approached Gary's father. "I'm sorry, we haven't met.
I'm Cliff's father, Jacob."
The older man smiled and took Jacob's hand. "Gene Ginsberg,
Gary's grandfather. Cliff was quite a boy."
"Have you met any of the family...?"
Gene shook his head. "No, I just came up here today ... I live
in San Diego. Cliff and Gary used to visit me every Wednesday."
Jacob motioned for the hallway. "Well, I'll introduce you to--"
Jubilee came out of the hall at that moment and looked at Gene.
"Oh, no! NO! NO! NO! No more Basses--" Jubilee stopped when
she saw Gary. "Hey, Gary. I'm seriously loving the hair!"
She turned back to Gene. "NO!"
Gary smiled. Again. "Jubilee, this is my grandfather, Gene
Ginsberg. One hundred percent Bass free."
Jubilee winced. "I ... am SO sorry, sir."
Gene wavered his hand in the air and said with a wink, "Don't
worry, I thought the same when I saw you."
Gary motioned for Jubilee to come over. "Pop, this is Jubilee.
She's a friend of Cliff's cousin, Bobby."
"Nice to meet you, sir. Do you want to meet Bobby?"
Jubilee grinned. "BOBBY!"
Jacob winced. "Jubilee, there is a more polite way to--"
Jacob shook his head. "Forget it."
"YOU GOTTA MEET GARY'S GRANDFATHER!"
Jubilee turned and winked at Gene. "Don't worry, he'll get
out of bed."
"That's quite all right, uh, Jubilee--"
Jubilee smiled in a way that all her teeth seemed to gleam evilly.
"No, no, sir! It's my pleasure!" And with that, she scurried
back into the hallway, snatching Gilberto and the dog he was hugging.
Jacob smiled nervously, at tad bit uncomfortable. "She really
is a nice girl. Uh ... shall I introduce you to my mother?"
Gene licked his finger tips and ran them across his eyebrows. "Please."
"C'mere, li'l doggy--"
"Ssh, Bert! You don't wanta wake Bobby, do you?"
Bert shook his head.
"Good. Now ... c'mere, li'l doggy..."
The beagle looked at Jubilee and did little else.
Jubilee sighed. "This sucks. I never had a dog ... how do you
get it to do stuff?"
Bert ran out of the room.
"Great. The kid deserted me."
Bert came running back. "Blue...!"
The beagle's ears perked up.
Bert dangled a slice of turkey luncheon meat.
The beagle smiled. Bert began to lead the beagle to Bobby's bed
and brushed the piece of meat against Bobby's cheek and then placed
it on his side that was the furthest from the beagle.
The beagle leaped up on the bed and began to sniff everywhere, wagging
her tail. She then caught a scent on Bobby's cheek and began licking
"What in the he--UGH!" Bobby bolted upright in his bed
for the second time that morning. "Jubilee, that ... THING slipped
me the tongue!"
Jubilee rolled her eyes. 'It's a dog, Bobby. A really cute one at
that, aren'tcha?" Jubilee leaned in and pet the dog.
"But, Fruit Jubes, it slipped me the tongue!"
Jubilee pursed her lips at the sound of this nickname. "I bet
it was the first tongue slippage you felt all year, Frosty Flakes."
Bobby said nothing. The truth hurt and tasted like dog breath. "Hmm..."
Bobby shook his head. "Nothing ... just ... one of my old girlfriends
used to have the worst morning breath--"
"Jubilee, I'm not going to name names--"
"It was Opal, wasn't it?"
"I've had other girlfriends besides Opal, Jubilee."
"But the dog-breathed one was Opal, right?"
Bobby said nothing. The truth hurt and Opal had dog breath.
Once again, thank you Kaylee and Poi Lass for letting me ... uh ...
"use" God; you guys try asking to use permission to borrow God for
a story and see if you don't scratch your head and say, "Damn, that
sounds really weird!"
And I always thought that Bobby would be a huge Partridge Family fan.
Also, I just found out (via VH-1's Behind the Music) that their
single, "I Think I Love You" beat out Simon and Garfunkle's "Bridge
Over Troubled Water" and the Beatles' (the Beatles, people!) "Let
it Be" for the Best Song Grammy Award. Damn, I hope I never win a
Also, this Opal bashing was brought to you by B.U.C.K.S.H.O.T.
-- the Brilliant yet Understated Completely Kawaii Society for the
Haters of Opal Tanaka. I'm applying for membership soon. Be sure to
check it out, if not for the fact that it's well deserved, then for
the fact that the lady who's behind it all is probably one of the
best Bobby Drake writer/fan out there, the completely kawaii Kerrie
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